So things have been quiet here in my neck of the woods, until just recently. I've made some really awesome friends where none were expected, met some fascinating people, learned more about my rights as a transman, and even pushed aside the negative people who once were a part of my life. I've made some decisions, both good and bad, but they were my own and I take full responsibility for them. The most important thing, though, is that I believe in myself and am proud of who I am. It's a cause that I will fight for until the day I die, and it outrages me just how ignorant some people can be.
Being short-staffed at work, my manager tells me that we are going to be hiring in some new temps to help relieve the workload. So I inquire as to any new-hire's need to know about my gender status (unaware of my rights at this time). I'm informed that any male new-hire would have to be aware of my status since they have not held a meeting to educate the men about me using the men's restroom...the gender that I identify myself as. Not only does he have to know, but I have to tell him, and before they have this meeting. Ok...yeah...why not just put a big "I am trans" sign on me and parade me around for all to see. And while you're at it, you can give all the mean kids sharp sticks so they can all poke the "freak." Because it's not like I don't feel singled out enough already. I am isolated in the unisex bathroom, where I periodically find myself locked out because one of the guys is too "poo shy" to take a crap in the men's room. And it's already bad enough that the guys that I used to joke around with hardly say a word to me now unless it's work related. I don't already live in stress and fear of those who know about me, so let's just make me tell the ONE person that I work with aware of this without actually getting a chance to know me. It's MY life, and I get to choose who knows my story!
Yeah, so it's scary to think that HR and management could have this power. Not to fear though. Remember, it's just like all those scary horror movies. Someone always gets out alive (well, the majority of the time). I got out of this "Freddy's Nightmare" just by reminding them that disclosure of this information is a direct violation of HIPAA laws. Go me! Yeah, buddy...doing the happy, in-yo-face! dance! Knowledge most certainly IS power. <insert maniac, world-domination laugh here>
Now, I'm standing taller and even more proud of myself. It takes more than you think for someone to stand up for themselves. I'm feeling better every day, and I have so many reasons to be. I'm alive, I have friends, I have a wealth of resources around me, and I'm reaching out to find someone to share my life and experiences with. I know it will be tricky being a gay transman, but I can't give up. And I won't give up. It's about WHO I am, not what's in my pants. It's what's in my heart and mind...NOT what's in my pants. I repeat...it's NOT what's in my pants! That's what makes a man, a man.
Okay, so maybe this story wasn't so scary, but it could have been had I not educated myself about my rights. So, know your rights. And stick up for yourself and what you believe in!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Life upon the plateau
As if my life weren't difficult enough, things get so much more complicated. Whether things will always be this way is still left to be unsaid. After all, no one can see a clear picture of the future. It's going to be a really long journey, being a gay man without a penis. I mean, how is that even going to work? I'm still not sure myself. Oh well, I guess it gives me something to talk about with my therapist.
Things have been a little stale in that area for the past several weeks. They'll at least pick up with talks about my sexuality. I find it almost embarrassing, thinking about talking to a complete stranger (well, almost) about my sexual orientation. I'm not sure she will be able to relate, but I guess she may be able to offer her clinical opinion on how I can identify and deal with my emotions as I learn to accept and overcome the realities of my life.
Right now though, I've reached a plateau in my transition. I've done all I can do for now to appear as male as I can. People who have known me before I started my transition still aren't very accepting of me as a man. Not that they don't accept me for who I am, but they still think of me as a female. They still use female pronouns, even though they have gotten better about calling me Bec. It will take more time, and that's fine. I've learned to accept that, but it's still difficult sometimes when the people I used to talk to and joke around with ignore me and avoid me, finding any way they can to not have to talk to me. It's okay though. They're the ones who are missing out.
Once I start shooting up Testosterone, things will start to happen. Not too much will happen immediately, but over time my body will start changing and I'll be making my way off this stupid plateau. Hopefully I will have my name change by the time I start T. Maybe even sooner...
Things have been a little stale in that area for the past several weeks. They'll at least pick up with talks about my sexuality. I find it almost embarrassing, thinking about talking to a complete stranger (well, almost) about my sexual orientation. I'm not sure she will be able to relate, but I guess she may be able to offer her clinical opinion on how I can identify and deal with my emotions as I learn to accept and overcome the realities of my life.
Right now though, I've reached a plateau in my transition. I've done all I can do for now to appear as male as I can. People who have known me before I started my transition still aren't very accepting of me as a man. Not that they don't accept me for who I am, but they still think of me as a female. They still use female pronouns, even though they have gotten better about calling me Bec. It will take more time, and that's fine. I've learned to accept that, but it's still difficult sometimes when the people I used to talk to and joke around with ignore me and avoid me, finding any way they can to not have to talk to me. It's okay though. They're the ones who are missing out.
Once I start shooting up Testosterone, things will start to happen. Not too much will happen immediately, but over time my body will start changing and I'll be making my way off this stupid plateau. Hopefully I will have my name change by the time I start T. Maybe even sooner...
Monday, September 5, 2011
Family. The tie that binds?
This week, I'm taking a look at family dynamics. Or, at least my family dynamics. I can briefly say that my family is fully dysfunctional and lacks anything that would really bind us to each other. We're pretty much as broken as they come. Sure, there are a few "alliances" among the ranks, but I'm not really part of any of those. Those are primarily between my father, sister, and the younger of my 2 brothers. I have no allegiance with any of the lot.
I don't really fit into any equations when it comes to family. I guess that's because my childhood was very traumatic. When I needed my family's love and support, it was never there. My siblings all left the house when I was very young and I had not seen nor heard from them until I was well into my 20s. Growing up, I was reminded constantly that I was a burden by my mother, who did what she could to raise me all by herself. I saw my father on Sundays, though he was always consumed in his work around the house. We occasionally did stuff together, like fishing or maybe catching a movie, but I spent most of my time parked in front of the telly.
That's been the story of my life thus far. A family full of liars and backstabbers who have nothing nice to say about anyone or anything. Their life is always much more important than anyone else's and they are always right. No matter if you do something good, or things are looking up, they will be there to knock you down and insist that you will fail.
Last week, I called my father to see how he made out with tropical storm Irene. I thought that the conversation was going well, but then he started talking about my brother and then my sister, and before I knew it their life had become the topic of our conversation. Okay, so I try to talk to him about my plans for going back to school and he doesn't have anything encouraging to say. Instead, he tells me that there's no sense in it because everyone is losing their job left and right. At this time I was still considering going into nursing, which there is always a demand for, and I told him that nurses are in high demand. Of course he didn't have much to say, but insisted that he hasn't seen ads looking for nurses and informs me that it's a very hard job. Really? Like I hadn't thought about that? Thanks for the vote of confidence. So he's right in the middle of a sentence when he gets a call on the other line. He then immediately tells me he has another call coming in and tells me he'll talk to me later. I would think that he would want to talk to me since I haven't really spoken to him since Father's Day. I don't know why I bother.
And now my sister pops back into my life and thinks that everything is okay. My family has a fucked up way of thinking. Sorry, but I don't get how people can think that they can just pop back in your life and things will be all smiles and rainbows. I have no interest in investing my time in people who clearly don't deserve it. I'm not being selfish and I'm not holding grudges. I'm living my life the way I need. Because let's face it...I have way too much on my plate that I'm dealing with to turn around and deal with all of their petty crap.
I don't really fit into any equations when it comes to family. I guess that's because my childhood was very traumatic. When I needed my family's love and support, it was never there. My siblings all left the house when I was very young and I had not seen nor heard from them until I was well into my 20s. Growing up, I was reminded constantly that I was a burden by my mother, who did what she could to raise me all by herself. I saw my father on Sundays, though he was always consumed in his work around the house. We occasionally did stuff together, like fishing or maybe catching a movie, but I spent most of my time parked in front of the telly.
That's been the story of my life thus far. A family full of liars and backstabbers who have nothing nice to say about anyone or anything. Their life is always much more important than anyone else's and they are always right. No matter if you do something good, or things are looking up, they will be there to knock you down and insist that you will fail.
Last week, I called my father to see how he made out with tropical storm Irene. I thought that the conversation was going well, but then he started talking about my brother and then my sister, and before I knew it their life had become the topic of our conversation. Okay, so I try to talk to him about my plans for going back to school and he doesn't have anything encouraging to say. Instead, he tells me that there's no sense in it because everyone is losing their job left and right. At this time I was still considering going into nursing, which there is always a demand for, and I told him that nurses are in high demand. Of course he didn't have much to say, but insisted that he hasn't seen ads looking for nurses and informs me that it's a very hard job. Really? Like I hadn't thought about that? Thanks for the vote of confidence. So he's right in the middle of a sentence when he gets a call on the other line. He then immediately tells me he has another call coming in and tells me he'll talk to me later. I would think that he would want to talk to me since I haven't really spoken to him since Father's Day. I don't know why I bother.
And now my sister pops back into my life and thinks that everything is okay. My family has a fucked up way of thinking. Sorry, but I don't get how people can think that they can just pop back in your life and things will be all smiles and rainbows. I have no interest in investing my time in people who clearly don't deserve it. I'm not being selfish and I'm not holding grudges. I'm living my life the way I need. Because let's face it...I have way too much on my plate that I'm dealing with to turn around and deal with all of their petty crap.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Life's swift kick in the rubber balls
So, it's been a while since I last posted. Sorry for my absence, but I've been really busy trying to figure shit out. There's been so much going on, the exciting, the not so exciting, the fun, the frustrating, and everything else in between. Great news is that I got my T letter! Oh yeah...but I have to wait until February to get in to see the endocrinologist. The first thing that ran through my mind was "You mean I have to wait 6 months??? That's 6 periods!!! WTF!"
Yeah, my period is a really big sore spot for me. It really takes a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Not that it isn't exhausting physically. It's just my body's way of betraying me. How so? Well, it's that monthly reminder that I still have a girl's body. Nothing like a swift kick in the rubber balls to bring you back to reality. I can see past the boobs and even convince myself that my rubber pecker is real, but the blood...well there's no way to see past that.
Another thing about having to wait for testosterone is that it means that I will have to wait all that much longer for facial and body hair. It's something that I'm really looking forward to. That, and a deeper voice. These things will all come with time on T, so the later I start, the later it will develop. I'm sure that I'll grow body hair. Every male member of my family has it. And it's not the magilla gorilla body hair. I've never seen any apes in my family. They all seem to have a decent amount of chest hair, which I am absolutely giddy about! As a woman, I always enjoyed men with hairy chests. Not the all over body hair, but a nice hairy chest that I could run my fingers through and bury my face in, breathing in their manly smell. It's something I still think about to this very day. I love the smell of a freshly showered man.
Does this mean I'm gay? I really couldn't honestly tell you if I was or not. I'm definitely attracted to men, but that could all change. Sexuality, as I have learned, is as fluid as gender. And besides, I'm so busy working on WHO I am to even worry about WHAT I am, at least as far as sexual preference is concerned. If I am gay, well then I'm going to need a whole hell of a lot of help from my gay friends because I have absolutely no clue when it comes to being gay! Okay, that's the most I've talked openly and publicly about my sexuality since I've started my transition. It's kind of a weight off my chest. Nope, boobs still there. Darn!
So what else is there. Oh yeah, work. Or should it be referred to as my lack of enthusiasm for it. That sounds about right. Not that I don't love what I do, it's just been stressful enough for me making changes in my own personal life, and then they go and mix everything up. I've changed supervisors, workloads, and have had to change the way I have grown accustomed to doing things. It's why I've become so good at what I do. I have worked so hard to find the most efficient way to do my job and now all of that has been flushed down the shitter. I'm incredibly overwhelmed, but doing my best to just hang in there and deal with it because I promised my manager I would. I'm just incredibly unhappy with work right now and several people have taken notice. I'm doing the best I can to keep my cool. I keep telling myself that it's only temporary. It's just that things are changing too fast. I don't mind change, but it's hard to deal with in a structured manner when it's this many things.
Just recently, with all this economical turmoil that this great nation is in, I've thought about making a career change. I've given nursing school some very serious consideration. There's always a demand for nurses, and I believe that I am now in a place where I would greatly benefit from the social interaction. I've actually turned into quite the social butterfly! I've looked around in the area and have been doing some research on different schools in the area and what it all boils down to is that no matter where I go, the soonest I could enroll is next fall. So, that leaves me a year, well actually less than 6 months, to get in my application and get any prerequisite courses done. I think that it would be a very good career move for me. Now the really hard part would be deciding if I go during the day, or at night. If I go during the day, then it would only take 2 years to complete and cost less in the long run. But, it would mean trying to find a night job that would pay me enough to actually support myself. If I go at night, that limits the number of schools I could go to and it would double the length of time it would take for me to complete the program. Not to mention that part-time tuition tends to be more costly. But, I would be able to keep my day job.
So yeah, I guess you could say that I've got a lot on my mind. I'm that little snowman in the snowglobe that everyone keeps shaking. Can we let things settle for a while first?
Yeah, my period is a really big sore spot for me. It really takes a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Not that it isn't exhausting physically. It's just my body's way of betraying me. How so? Well, it's that monthly reminder that I still have a girl's body. Nothing like a swift kick in the rubber balls to bring you back to reality. I can see past the boobs and even convince myself that my rubber pecker is real, but the blood...well there's no way to see past that.
Another thing about having to wait for testosterone is that it means that I will have to wait all that much longer for facial and body hair. It's something that I'm really looking forward to. That, and a deeper voice. These things will all come with time on T, so the later I start, the later it will develop. I'm sure that I'll grow body hair. Every male member of my family has it. And it's not the magilla gorilla body hair. I've never seen any apes in my family. They all seem to have a decent amount of chest hair, which I am absolutely giddy about! As a woman, I always enjoyed men with hairy chests. Not the all over body hair, but a nice hairy chest that I could run my fingers through and bury my face in, breathing in their manly smell. It's something I still think about to this very day. I love the smell of a freshly showered man.
Does this mean I'm gay? I really couldn't honestly tell you if I was or not. I'm definitely attracted to men, but that could all change. Sexuality, as I have learned, is as fluid as gender. And besides, I'm so busy working on WHO I am to even worry about WHAT I am, at least as far as sexual preference is concerned. If I am gay, well then I'm going to need a whole hell of a lot of help from my gay friends because I have absolutely no clue when it comes to being gay! Okay, that's the most I've talked openly and publicly about my sexuality since I've started my transition. It's kind of a weight off my chest. Nope, boobs still there. Darn!
So what else is there. Oh yeah, work. Or should it be referred to as my lack of enthusiasm for it. That sounds about right. Not that I don't love what I do, it's just been stressful enough for me making changes in my own personal life, and then they go and mix everything up. I've changed supervisors, workloads, and have had to change the way I have grown accustomed to doing things. It's why I've become so good at what I do. I have worked so hard to find the most efficient way to do my job and now all of that has been flushed down the shitter. I'm incredibly overwhelmed, but doing my best to just hang in there and deal with it because I promised my manager I would. I'm just incredibly unhappy with work right now and several people have taken notice. I'm doing the best I can to keep my cool. I keep telling myself that it's only temporary. It's just that things are changing too fast. I don't mind change, but it's hard to deal with in a structured manner when it's this many things.
Just recently, with all this economical turmoil that this great nation is in, I've thought about making a career change. I've given nursing school some very serious consideration. There's always a demand for nurses, and I believe that I am now in a place where I would greatly benefit from the social interaction. I've actually turned into quite the social butterfly! I've looked around in the area and have been doing some research on different schools in the area and what it all boils down to is that no matter where I go, the soonest I could enroll is next fall. So, that leaves me a year, well actually less than 6 months, to get in my application and get any prerequisite courses done. I think that it would be a very good career move for me. Now the really hard part would be deciding if I go during the day, or at night. If I go during the day, then it would only take 2 years to complete and cost less in the long run. But, it would mean trying to find a night job that would pay me enough to actually support myself. If I go at night, that limits the number of schools I could go to and it would double the length of time it would take for me to complete the program. Not to mention that part-time tuition tends to be more costly. But, I would be able to keep my day job.
So yeah, I guess you could say that I've got a lot on my mind. I'm that little snowman in the snowglobe that everyone keeps shaking. Can we let things settle for a while first?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Today was a good day
Well, actually I've been having a few good days lately. That's why I've been holding off on this week's post. Last week was looking pretty grim, so these few good days are justly deserved. I've been stressed out and having really bad anxiety attacks left and right and now things are calming down. So what's all the hype about? Keep reading!
So let's start off with some disappointment from last week. I thought I was getting my T letter last Wednesday when I went to therapy. Right off the bat she told me that it should be ready to sign this Monday and that I don't actually get the letter; it gets mailed to the endocrinologist that the office works closely with. Talk about an instant downer! I felt like I had just stepped in a pile of dog shit. You know the feeling, I'm sure. So okay, I have to wait a few more days. I can handle this (breathe, man, breathe!)...I think. Friday rolls around and I'm approached by the department manager. She informs me that the HR guy wants to have a conference call with me and her on Monday. Okay...double whammy here. Make that a triple whammy since Mondays are super stressful with the whole locker room bit.
So fast forward to Monday. I wake up and pop a xanax to calm me down a bit. It doesn't really help throughout the day as I anxiously await the conference call that I'm not worried about, but am dreading nonetheless. The afternoon rolls around and I send out an email to my therapist asking if she can send me an email letting me know if my T letter gets signed. It's almost 2pm at this time and I pop another xanax. I haven't taken this many in weeks! Yeah, it's a bad day. HR contacts my manager and says he has to postpone until Wednesday. I'm screaming internally and want to just collapse under the stress. Okay, you can handle this man. It's just 2 more days. Not a big deal. And guess what. Still no lockers in the gender neutral bathroom. Good news is that I get an email later that night from my therapist. My T letter has been signed! YES!!! Now do I contact him, or does he contact me?
Tuesday, nothing eventful happens. I guess that's a good thing, but I still haven't made up my mind on that one. Maybe Tuesday didn't happen. That's what I'm thinking anyway.
It's Wednesday now. Dun dun dun. Big day. Well, not really all that big, but probably just as stressful as Monday was. Morning is going well, but I haven't heard any word on what time the conference call is. Anxiety level rises a bit and I try to keep myself occupied by burying myself with work and listening to some Slipknot
. Music is good. Higher anxiety tends to make me dehydrated, so I'm drinking tons of water and Gatorade
. I'm talking with some coworkers as I grab a bite to eat in the break room and one of them has a fish tank they want to get rid of for free. I inquire about the size, which was 20 gallons, and reply that I was in the market for a 55 gallon tank because I wanted to get a lizard. He says for $50 he'll throw in a baby crested gecko. Talk about an opportunity! I ask about the care and maintenance and it turns out that they are pretty easy to take care of, which is ideal for me. So I said okay. Now I'm super excited about my new pet and run to a friend of mine and tell him. He has one too that he bought from the same guy and he was showing me pictures. At lunchtime I take a trip to his house to see my little gecko, which is about as adorable as anything you could imagine. I know, not very manly of me, but screw it! I also pick up the tank while I'm there so I can get it set up and ready for him (I can't confirm the sex so I'm referring to it as a him) when he comes home. 2:30 is now the confirmed time for the conference call.
2:15pm - I wrap up what I'm working on in preparation for my conference call. I head to the bathroom and what do you know? Lockers! Okay, so now I have a home for my stuff that ISN'T in the women's locker room. Another brick falls from my shoulders. 2:30 is here and I head to the manager's office. She calls the HR guy and no answer. She leaves a message on his voicemail and we wait a few minutes. He calls back and we go through formalities and such. Basically he just wanted to touch base with me so I can be kept up to date on how they are proceeding with the adjustments of my transition. Okay, sounds good. He informs me of the legal research that he and the company's legal team has been doing and that because the company is focused on its employees and their satisfaction, it would be a terrible disservice to not address this in an accommodating manner. They are bringing in someone with a legal background who is familiar with gender transition in the workplace to train the people that I work around and with. I will be excluded from this program as they want to maintain an open dialogue with fellow coworkers without them feeling uncomfortable or worried about offending me. It will be a safe place for them to voice any concerns or provide feedback. There will be 2 meetings lasting approximately 2 hours each. One is for the people that I work with alongside me, my peers; and the other is for the supervisory staff. Then the feedback and concerns will be gathered and addressed and then I will be debriefed about the meeting the following week.
My only concern was with the gender neutral bathroom and the lockers. I was afraid that they would be regarded as a permanent solution. Much to my relief, they are not. I'll only use them for a little while as other people are trained and concerns are addressed. I swear, as soon as he told me that I could feel my chest relax instantly. It was probably the best news I've heard in a long time. Yes, even better than my T letter. I never imagined that going to the bathroom would be such a stressful event. It seems like it's all downhill from here, even though I know that isn't quite the truth. I have a long journey ahead and I'm just so happy to be making such great progress. And without such terrific friends like all of you who are reading this, I don't think I could make it. Thank you!
So let's start off with some disappointment from last week. I thought I was getting my T letter last Wednesday when I went to therapy. Right off the bat she told me that it should be ready to sign this Monday and that I don't actually get the letter; it gets mailed to the endocrinologist that the office works closely with. Talk about an instant downer! I felt like I had just stepped in a pile of dog shit. You know the feeling, I'm sure. So okay, I have to wait a few more days. I can handle this (breathe, man, breathe!)...I think. Friday rolls around and I'm approached by the department manager. She informs me that the HR guy wants to have a conference call with me and her on Monday. Okay...double whammy here. Make that a triple whammy since Mondays are super stressful with the whole locker room bit.
So fast forward to Monday. I wake up and pop a xanax to calm me down a bit. It doesn't really help throughout the day as I anxiously await the conference call that I'm not worried about, but am dreading nonetheless. The afternoon rolls around and I send out an email to my therapist asking if she can send me an email letting me know if my T letter gets signed. It's almost 2pm at this time and I pop another xanax. I haven't taken this many in weeks! Yeah, it's a bad day. HR contacts my manager and says he has to postpone until Wednesday. I'm screaming internally and want to just collapse under the stress. Okay, you can handle this man. It's just 2 more days. Not a big deal. And guess what. Still no lockers in the gender neutral bathroom. Good news is that I get an email later that night from my therapist. My T letter has been signed! YES!!! Now do I contact him, or does he contact me?
Tuesday, nothing eventful happens. I guess that's a good thing, but I still haven't made up my mind on that one. Maybe Tuesday didn't happen. That's what I'm thinking anyway.
It's Wednesday now. Dun dun dun. Big day. Well, not really all that big, but probably just as stressful as Monday was. Morning is going well, but I haven't heard any word on what time the conference call is. Anxiety level rises a bit and I try to keep myself occupied by burying myself with work and listening to some Slipknot
. Music is good. Higher anxiety tends to make me dehydrated, so I'm drinking tons of water and Gatorade. I'm talking with some coworkers as I grab a bite to eat in the break room and one of them has a fish tank they want to get rid of for free. I inquire about the size, which was 20 gallons, and reply that I was in the market for a 55 gallon tank because I wanted to get a lizard. He says for $50 he'll throw in a baby crested gecko. Talk about an opportunity! I ask about the care and maintenance and it turns out that they are pretty easy to take care of, which is ideal for me. So I said okay. Now I'm super excited about my new pet and run to a friend of mine and tell him. He has one too that he bought from the same guy and he was showing me pictures. At lunchtime I take a trip to his house to see my little gecko, which is about as adorable as anything you could imagine. I know, not very manly of me, but screw it! I also pick up the tank while I'm there so I can get it set up and ready for him (I can't confirm the sex so I'm referring to it as a him) when he comes home. 2:30 is now the confirmed time for the conference call.2:15pm - I wrap up what I'm working on in preparation for my conference call. I head to the bathroom and what do you know? Lockers! Okay, so now I have a home for my stuff that ISN'T in the women's locker room. Another brick falls from my shoulders. 2:30 is here and I head to the manager's office. She calls the HR guy and no answer. She leaves a message on his voicemail and we wait a few minutes. He calls back and we go through formalities and such. Basically he just wanted to touch base with me so I can be kept up to date on how they are proceeding with the adjustments of my transition. Okay, sounds good. He informs me of the legal research that he and the company's legal team has been doing and that because the company is focused on its employees and their satisfaction, it would be a terrible disservice to not address this in an accommodating manner. They are bringing in someone with a legal background who is familiar with gender transition in the workplace to train the people that I work around and with. I will be excluded from this program as they want to maintain an open dialogue with fellow coworkers without them feeling uncomfortable or worried about offending me. It will be a safe place for them to voice any concerns or provide feedback. There will be 2 meetings lasting approximately 2 hours each. One is for the people that I work with alongside me, my peers; and the other is for the supervisory staff. Then the feedback and concerns will be gathered and addressed and then I will be debriefed about the meeting the following week.
My only concern was with the gender neutral bathroom and the lockers. I was afraid that they would be regarded as a permanent solution. Much to my relief, they are not. I'll only use them for a little while as other people are trained and concerns are addressed. I swear, as soon as he told me that I could feel my chest relax instantly. It was probably the best news I've heard in a long time. Yes, even better than my T letter. I never imagined that going to the bathroom would be such a stressful event. It seems like it's all downhill from here, even though I know that isn't quite the truth. I have a long journey ahead and I'm just so happy to be making such great progress. And without such terrific friends like all of you who are reading this, I don't think I could make it. Thank you!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
My sometimes crazy life
I've come a long way since I've started my journey on the path to becoming a man. I've been tackling my brain, my body, anxiety, and the opinions of others. I've been transforming physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've noticed the change in myself and so have others. I feel great about myself!
I received some incredible last week in therapy. I had filled out my psychosocial worksheet a couple weeks ago and we were discussing a few concerns that the director had about the traumatic experiences in my past. No, that's not the good news. Good news is that she asked if I could come in again this week instead of the following week because she should have my letter of recommendation for T! I was so excited! I was smiling from ear to ear on the drive home and for the remainder of the week. I'm still in a great mood, though I did get some weird news at work from HR.
According to HR, I can't legally use the men's locker room because I self-identified as "female" when I first filled out my employment paperwork. He said I could request a change in writing, and I did. In the meantime he said that I can use the gender neutral restroom (which I have been doing for well over a month) or continue to use the women's locker room. He also stated that the department manager is getting a locker for the gender neutral bathroom for my use. I'm having mixed feeling about this. I'm glad they are acknowledging the fact that I do not identify as a woman, but they don't really acknowledge me as a man. I feel like a fence has been built and I've been told to perch on top of it. I feel like I'm an outcast. Like I'm an "it" instead of a he. But, I should look at it as progress. They are doing the best they can since this is the first instance this has happened within the company. I just have to be patient with them. I have to be patient with a lot of people these days.
I received some incredible last week in therapy. I had filled out my psychosocial worksheet a couple weeks ago and we were discussing a few concerns that the director had about the traumatic experiences in my past. No, that's not the good news. Good news is that she asked if I could come in again this week instead of the following week because she should have my letter of recommendation for T! I was so excited! I was smiling from ear to ear on the drive home and for the remainder of the week. I'm still in a great mood, though I did get some weird news at work from HR.
According to HR, I can't legally use the men's locker room because I self-identified as "female" when I first filled out my employment paperwork. He said I could request a change in writing, and I did. In the meantime he said that I can use the gender neutral restroom (which I have been doing for well over a month) or continue to use the women's locker room. He also stated that the department manager is getting a locker for the gender neutral bathroom for my use. I'm having mixed feeling about this. I'm glad they are acknowledging the fact that I do not identify as a woman, but they don't really acknowledge me as a man. I feel like a fence has been built and I've been told to perch on top of it. I feel like I'm an outcast. Like I'm an "it" instead of a he. But, I should look at it as progress. They are doing the best they can since this is the first instance this has happened within the company. I just have to be patient with them. I have to be patient with a lot of people these days.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
How ordinary
Well, this past week wasn't all that bad. Work was a bit crazy, but I've been doing well with my anxiety and how I feel about myself. I've made a pledge to myself to get into the gym at least twice a week before work so that I can get into better shape and I've been eating better food. I feel calmer. I feel proud. Proud of who and what I am.
I have realized that I am surrounded by people who are supportive, caring, and understanding. I've had some really great conversations with people this week about my transition. It was comforting to me that they felt they could approach me. Maybe the initial shock is over? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but unfortunately everyone still refers to me using female pronouns. I'm still seen as a "woman" that changed her name and appearance.
I'm still in the women's locker room at work, which is getting to be very frustrating at this point, and I can't wait to switch to the men's locker room. I try to stay out of there as much as I possibly can because there's just so much drama at work sometimes. At this point in time it's a waiting game. I guess there's still a snag with HR and how to "deal with" me. I make it sound like I'm some sort of problem, but I'm sure that I'm not seen that way. It's just my frustration talking. I need to remember that these things take time. I can't exactly expect anyone to understand, unless they've been through transition like this.
Another frustrating point right now is my voice. It gives me away at every turn and I'm eager to start T so I can further my transition and "pass" more as male. Complete with a deeper voice, some body and facial hair (I'm thinking goatee), and everything else that comes with it. Of course I know these changes aren't immediate and may take several years to take place, but it gives me hope in feeling more like the man I am. I know I'm closer to getting my T letter from my therapist and this makes me so incredibly happy. I look forward to each passing day as one day closer to being a man and one day further away from being that woman I miserably tried living as. It's relieving to know I'm getting closer. I feel less burdened and ready to face the days ahead. It's not the destination...it's the journey getting there.
I have realized that I am surrounded by people who are supportive, caring, and understanding. I've had some really great conversations with people this week about my transition. It was comforting to me that they felt they could approach me. Maybe the initial shock is over? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but unfortunately everyone still refers to me using female pronouns. I'm still seen as a "woman" that changed her name and appearance.
I'm still in the women's locker room at work, which is getting to be very frustrating at this point, and I can't wait to switch to the men's locker room. I try to stay out of there as much as I possibly can because there's just so much drama at work sometimes. At this point in time it's a waiting game. I guess there's still a snag with HR and how to "deal with" me. I make it sound like I'm some sort of problem, but I'm sure that I'm not seen that way. It's just my frustration talking. I need to remember that these things take time. I can't exactly expect anyone to understand, unless they've been through transition like this.
Another frustrating point right now is my voice. It gives me away at every turn and I'm eager to start T so I can further my transition and "pass" more as male. Complete with a deeper voice, some body and facial hair (I'm thinking goatee), and everything else that comes with it. Of course I know these changes aren't immediate and may take several years to take place, but it gives me hope in feeling more like the man I am. I know I'm closer to getting my T letter from my therapist and this makes me so incredibly happy. I look forward to each passing day as one day closer to being a man and one day further away from being that woman I miserably tried living as. It's relieving to know I'm getting closer. I feel less burdened and ready to face the days ahead. It's not the destination...it's the journey getting there.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Jeez! Lighten up!
The way I see it, with everything I am going through right now, I don't need to be so serious. Sure, it's a major, life-altering process and I should be serious about the decisions I make, but I don't see the need to be uptight about it. I am always happy to address anyone's questions they might have, and with a sense of humor. I just think that people are afraid to approach me with them. I'm not going to bite anyone's head off! So, lighten up! There's no reason for people to make a HUGE deal out of this and feel uncomfortable around me. I just want to blend in.
On another note. I just managed to tell my mother about this whole thing. She was cool with it. I didn't really think that she would have a problem with it. I just didn't think she would comprehend what I was telling her. The old girl surprised me though! She's more familiar with old school terminology and when I told her that I was going to change my name to a male name, she asked if I was going to have a "sex change" as well. It was kind of funny and a little awkward, but the conversation went well. I gave her a pamphlet written by the Human Rights Campaign that she can read on her own time to get more familiar with what being transgender is all about, and I told her that if there's anything in there that she doesn't understand she can ask me to clarify.
So that's one parent down...2 to go. Though my mother suggested that I don't tell my father (under the assumption that he would be upset about it), I don't see how I can hide it. I can't exactly avoid him for the rest of his life. What's going to happen after I start growing facial hair??? Yeah, I think he's going to suspect something's up then. I don't think that he'll react all that negatively about it, to be truthfully honest. I think that he would just be happy that I felt I could tell him, and that I am not shutting him out of my life. Sure, he's set in his way, old-fashioned, and stubborn (oh boy is he stubborn!), but he's also learned a lot from past mistakes he made with us kids. Now he tends to just butt out and let us live our lives. So, that's what I'm counting on. Besides, my step-mom has a pretty level head on her shoulders and is a lot more open-minded about stuff like this. I'm sure that if he blew up about it, she could talk some sense into him. Or not. Either way, this is my life and if he doesn't like the way that I live it, then I don't need him to be a part of it. He never really played that significant a role in my life as I was growing up. I've learned to get along just fine without him. I just want to do what's right.
I went to my first trans support group the other week. I had been so anxious all this time to go, but I made myself do it. I knew that I needed to be around other people like me. I felt so at ease and even found it easy to participate, which is something that I never thought I would do. Even therapy is going along smoothly. I feel more and more like myself with each passing day. The paxil is helping with my anxiety and when I start feeling a little anxious, I just press play on my theme song (which is cemented in my brain). I have a very odd theme song, but it works for me every single time I need it. Walking On Sunshine
by Katrina & The Waves. That's my theme song. I know, it's corny as hell, but every time I start feeling my thoughts getting away from me and the anxiety creeping in, I play this song in my head and I feel at ease and so much happier. This is my song. It's my happy place. Everybody needs to have a place like that.
On another note. I just managed to tell my mother about this whole thing. She was cool with it. I didn't really think that she would have a problem with it. I just didn't think she would comprehend what I was telling her. The old girl surprised me though! She's more familiar with old school terminology and when I told her that I was going to change my name to a male name, she asked if I was going to have a "sex change" as well. It was kind of funny and a little awkward, but the conversation went well. I gave her a pamphlet written by the Human Rights Campaign that she can read on her own time to get more familiar with what being transgender is all about, and I told her that if there's anything in there that she doesn't understand she can ask me to clarify.
So that's one parent down...2 to go. Though my mother suggested that I don't tell my father (under the assumption that he would be upset about it), I don't see how I can hide it. I can't exactly avoid him for the rest of his life. What's going to happen after I start growing facial hair??? Yeah, I think he's going to suspect something's up then. I don't think that he'll react all that negatively about it, to be truthfully honest. I think that he would just be happy that I felt I could tell him, and that I am not shutting him out of my life. Sure, he's set in his way, old-fashioned, and stubborn (oh boy is he stubborn!), but he's also learned a lot from past mistakes he made with us kids. Now he tends to just butt out and let us live our lives. So, that's what I'm counting on. Besides, my step-mom has a pretty level head on her shoulders and is a lot more open-minded about stuff like this. I'm sure that if he blew up about it, she could talk some sense into him. Or not. Either way, this is my life and if he doesn't like the way that I live it, then I don't need him to be a part of it. He never really played that significant a role in my life as I was growing up. I've learned to get along just fine without him. I just want to do what's right.
I went to my first trans support group the other week. I had been so anxious all this time to go, but I made myself do it. I knew that I needed to be around other people like me. I felt so at ease and even found it easy to participate, which is something that I never thought I would do. Even therapy is going along smoothly. I feel more and more like myself with each passing day. The paxil is helping with my anxiety and when I start feeling a little anxious, I just press play on my theme song (which is cemented in my brain). I have a very odd theme song, but it works for me every single time I need it. Walking On Sunshine
by Katrina & The Waves. That's my theme song. I know, it's corny as hell, but every time I start feeling my thoughts getting away from me and the anxiety creeping in, I play this song in my head and I feel at ease and so much happier. This is my song. It's my happy place. Everybody needs to have a place like that.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Feeling like Pinnochio
Although I have a much better chance of becoming a real boy than some wooden puppet. Still, most days I look in the mirror and that's all I can do is wish. Of course dressing the part does make me feel a lot better about myself, but I still know what's underneath the clothing. What's that saying? Oh yeah...clothes make the man. Oh really now. I know a lot of people who would disagree with that statement.
It's just stressful and very difficult to look in the mirror and not see the person you feel you are. My head tells me one thing and my body says something totally different. For so long I've just shut out the voices and went with what my body was saying, trying my best to look the part of a woman. Talk about stressful! I don't think that I've experienced something so difficult on a daily basis. The punishment I would put myself through. My relationships were ones where I was controlled. I was told what to do and how to be. This was because I didn't know who I was myself. I figured that I needed to be told who and what I was because they would know me better, and I would be someone that they would want. And 3 divorces later, I'm just figuring things out for myself and listening to what my head has to say. I'm just being me.
Sadly, I've gained some weight over the past month. Not that I'm obsessing over it, but my jeans are getting a bit snug. I really don't want to be this large and don't want (and can't afford) to buy new clothes. I'd like to save what money I can for after I start Testosterone because I don't know what kind of weight gain I may experience, if any. Not to mention paying for therapy and other doctor appointments is costly. So I guess I should get my ass in gear and actually use my gym membership. After all, I am paying for it. My anxiety has kept me from going without a "buddy" but I'm getting tired of that excuse. It's just a bit awkward working out as a transman. I'd like to work out in a loose tank or something like that, but it's not possible without noticing my binder.
I've also got to start eating better. Even if I don't eat completely healthy, I can at least improve what food I do consume. I have a couple of those Eat This, Not That books and have tried some of the recipes in them. They're actually really good! So, no need to starve myself, even though I can definitely benefit from cutting back on just how much I eat. I'll just put away these cookies and start eating right...tomorrow.
It's just stressful and very difficult to look in the mirror and not see the person you feel you are. My head tells me one thing and my body says something totally different. For so long I've just shut out the voices and went with what my body was saying, trying my best to look the part of a woman. Talk about stressful! I don't think that I've experienced something so difficult on a daily basis. The punishment I would put myself through. My relationships were ones where I was controlled. I was told what to do and how to be. This was because I didn't know who I was myself. I figured that I needed to be told who and what I was because they would know me better, and I would be someone that they would want. And 3 divorces later, I'm just figuring things out for myself and listening to what my head has to say. I'm just being me.
Sadly, I've gained some weight over the past month. Not that I'm obsessing over it, but my jeans are getting a bit snug. I really don't want to be this large and don't want (and can't afford) to buy new clothes. I'd like to save what money I can for after I start Testosterone because I don't know what kind of weight gain I may experience, if any. Not to mention paying for therapy and other doctor appointments is costly. So I guess I should get my ass in gear and actually use my gym membership. After all, I am paying for it. My anxiety has kept me from going without a "buddy" but I'm getting tired of that excuse. It's just a bit awkward working out as a transman. I'd like to work out in a loose tank or something like that, but it's not possible without noticing my binder.
I've also got to start eating better. Even if I don't eat completely healthy, I can at least improve what food I do consume. I have a couple of those Eat This, Not That books and have tried some of the recipes in them. They're actually really good! So, no need to starve myself, even though I can definitely benefit from cutting back on just how much I eat. I'll just put away these cookies and start eating right...tomorrow.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
"So..."
"Who cares?" That's what HR said to my department manager when she told them this past week that I came forward as being trans. It's a complete non-issue. It doesn't even register as something that could be a potential problem or anything. It's not like I had any fears of losing my job because I know that I am a valued employee.
The comment wasn't meant to offend or say that I don't matter, but it still has me feeling a bit lost. Lost in translation. So there's no "policy" to deal with this. To deal with me. So I guess I have to just wing it. I'm lucky though. At least that's how I see it. I get to educate my fellow coworkers about gender variance. I already came out to a few people that I work with and was met with surprisingly positive support. I told my supervisor last week and he was really cool with it, and he even supported me when I met with my manager to tell her. Again...a non-issue.
So, why do I feel like I'm floundering? I feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a door to open, or maybe a glimpse of light showing me the way. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I wish that there was some sort of manual. There are no A, B, Cs to this. Nor are there any 1, 2 3s. I just have to take it as it comes. And for those of you who know me well, you know that it won't be so easy for someone like me who thrives in a structured environment.
So, here's to the future and all that it holds. My support network has grown and I'm so fortunate to have you all in my corner. Thank you for everything you have done so far and all that you have yet to do.
To read more about challenges that transgender people face, visit the Human Rights Campaign site here.
The comment wasn't meant to offend or say that I don't matter, but it still has me feeling a bit lost. Lost in translation. So there's no "policy" to deal with this. To deal with me. So I guess I have to just wing it. I'm lucky though. At least that's how I see it. I get to educate my fellow coworkers about gender variance. I already came out to a few people that I work with and was met with surprisingly positive support. I told my supervisor last week and he was really cool with it, and he even supported me when I met with my manager to tell her. Again...a non-issue.
So, why do I feel like I'm floundering? I feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a door to open, or maybe a glimpse of light showing me the way. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I wish that there was some sort of manual. There are no A, B, Cs to this. Nor are there any 1, 2 3s. I just have to take it as it comes. And for those of you who know me well, you know that it won't be so easy for someone like me who thrives in a structured environment.
So, here's to the future and all that it holds. My support network has grown and I'm so fortunate to have you all in my corner. Thank you for everything you have done so far and all that you have yet to do.
To read more about challenges that transgender people face, visit the Human Rights Campaign site here.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Toys for bois
Last time, I talked briefly about my woes with using a medicine spoon as a urination device. I also spoke a bit about my decision to pack. So, I walked around all week with a sock in my drawers. It's pretty funny when you think about it, but I wanted to get myself used to something being there while I waited for my order to arrive from Tool Shed Toys.
My package came yesterday and I quickly opened the box with the same fervor as a child opening presents on Christmas morning. I was presented with the standard packing peanuts, and nestled within were a flesh-tone soft packer and my GoGirl device. It would be several hours before I would have the opportunity to test it out though. Bummer.
I must say, I am very pleased with the comfort and design of the GoGirl device. I have not had any backflow or sealing problems with it as I have had with the medicine spoon. Though it is a bit on the large side and not something I would step up to a urinal with, it will serve the purpose very well for use in the stall. It also folds up very easily and comes with a little plastic bag for storage when the opportunity to wash isn't at hand. And when you do wash and dry the GoGirl, it has a nifty little tube for extended, private storage. It's made of a medical grade silicone and urine shakes from it very easily. The GoGirl is also good for females to use when camping, or at concerts and festivals when using a public restroom (or squatting in the bushes) is undesirable. For now, I use it at home. I haven't used it yet at work or in public places. I want to make sure that I'm proficient in using a device without incident.
As for the packer, I had to rig up a holster to keep it in place. That was simple enough after having done some research prior to ordering the packer. I came across a site that had instructions for making a Full Monty harness. I already had everything I needed right in my closet from when I used to be an avid wannabe sewer. So with packer in place and pisser in hand, I set out to meet the world...tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to grab some grub and settle in with a nice game of Fallout New Vegas on my 360.
My package came yesterday and I quickly opened the box with the same fervor as a child opening presents on Christmas morning. I was presented with the standard packing peanuts, and nestled within were a flesh-tone soft packer and my GoGirl device. It would be several hours before I would have the opportunity to test it out though. Bummer.
I must say, I am very pleased with the comfort and design of the GoGirl device. I have not had any backflow or sealing problems with it as I have had with the medicine spoon. Though it is a bit on the large side and not something I would step up to a urinal with, it will serve the purpose very well for use in the stall. It also folds up very easily and comes with a little plastic bag for storage when the opportunity to wash isn't at hand. And when you do wash and dry the GoGirl, it has a nifty little tube for extended, private storage. It's made of a medical grade silicone and urine shakes from it very easily. The GoGirl is also good for females to use when camping, or at concerts and festivals when using a public restroom (or squatting in the bushes) is undesirable. For now, I use it at home. I haven't used it yet at work or in public places. I want to make sure that I'm proficient in using a device without incident.
As for the packer, I had to rig up a holster to keep it in place. That was simple enough after having done some research prior to ordering the packer. I came across a site that had instructions for making a Full Monty harness. I already had everything I needed right in my closet from when I used to be an avid wannabe sewer. So with packer in place and pisser in hand, I set out to meet the world...tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to grab some grub and settle in with a nice game of Fallout New Vegas on my 360.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I've been there before...
and now I'm Bec! So that's the gist of this blog. I'm taking my transition from female to male public so that all of my friends and family, both local and abroad, can follow along. It's going to be a long journey but like we all know, journeys are best when accompanied by a friend.
Let's start with a little background info. Born in the mid-70s, I am the youngest of 4 children. My father worked endlessly to support his family and my mom was of the stay-at-home variety. My siblings (2 brothers and a sister) were a lot closer in age, and I was the baby by 8 years. My favorite thing to do when I was little was playing in the dirt with my brothers' hand-me-down Tonka trucks. And when I wasn't doing that, I was chopping off the hair of my dolls, hiding my mom's dog in my toy refrigerator, or eating my sister's bubble gum flavored lip balm.
Have I always known I was a boy trapped inside a girl's body? No. It's not a precise "knowing" but rather a feeling of just not belonging. I've known from the time I was very young that I was different. It just didn't hit home how different I was until several months ago. Since my epiphany, I've been reading everything I can possibly get my hands on that pertains to transgenderism. I've been reading medical books, autobiographies, forums, and watching documentaries, true life stories, etc. My trans-ness has pretty much turned into my everything right now. So to any of my friends out there who feel as though I've been ignoring them, I apologize. I'm not ignoring you at all. I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to digest a lot of very overwhelming information, and make the right choices for myself.
So what have I done and learned so far? Well, I learned that gender is totally different from sex. As the saying goes, gender is what's between your ears and sex is what's between your legs. I have been wearing men's clothing from head to toe (I'm a boxers guy), I sport a men's hairstyle, wear men's cologne, deodorant, body wash, etc. I've been attempting to use a medicine spoon STP device. For those who don't know, STP just means Stand To Pee. I haven't had much success with it, so I've been looking around for some other ones. I think that I've found one that I'll be purchasing online sometime this week. It's called the GoGirl and it's relatively inexpensive. Once I have it, I'll be sure to post a review here about my experiences with it. I've also made the decision that I would like to do more to "pass" as a male and am looking into packing. Packing is the term used for packing the underwear with a soft packer to create the appearance of a bulge in the pants. Not all transguys pack, so this is an entirely personal decision on my part. There are multiple methods for going about this. Some guys are comfortable using a sock and some will spend the money on a soft packer like the Sailor to get the desired effect. I haven't decided what route I'm going yet. I have time though. No need to rush. Soon, I will be talking with my therapist about starting hormones. Testosterone, or T, will do a great deal for me to help me achieve a more manly physique so that I can pass with greater ease. I'll post about that soon so you're informed and know what types of things to expect. I'm kind of at the cusp where people look at me and try to figure out what I am. "Is that a guy or a girl?" It's funny sometimes to see the confused look on their faces, but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable.
So through this all I've managed to keep my head above water, and my social anxiety has started to slowly peel away. Only things is that now I've been overtaken by general anxiety! So I sit here typing up this damn blog, and all the while I feel like a fish out of water. Gotta look into getting some type of relief for that! Let's face it, I'm a mess. But I'm a sexy, hot mess! Hey, I have to have fun with this. I don't see it as a time of mourning over the loss of the female side of me that never existed other than the body I was born with. I see it as a new lease on life. I'm learning a lot about myself and it's making me incredibly happy. Life dealt me lemons, so I'm making the best of it and making some lemonade. Stop by for a glass!
Let's start with a little background info. Born in the mid-70s, I am the youngest of 4 children. My father worked endlessly to support his family and my mom was of the stay-at-home variety. My siblings (2 brothers and a sister) were a lot closer in age, and I was the baby by 8 years. My favorite thing to do when I was little was playing in the dirt with my brothers' hand-me-down Tonka trucks. And when I wasn't doing that, I was chopping off the hair of my dolls, hiding my mom's dog in my toy refrigerator, or eating my sister's bubble gum flavored lip balm.
Have I always known I was a boy trapped inside a girl's body? No. It's not a precise "knowing" but rather a feeling of just not belonging. I've known from the time I was very young that I was different. It just didn't hit home how different I was until several months ago. Since my epiphany, I've been reading everything I can possibly get my hands on that pertains to transgenderism. I've been reading medical books, autobiographies, forums, and watching documentaries, true life stories, etc. My trans-ness has pretty much turned into my everything right now. So to any of my friends out there who feel as though I've been ignoring them, I apologize. I'm not ignoring you at all. I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to digest a lot of very overwhelming information, and make the right choices for myself.
So what have I done and learned so far? Well, I learned that gender is totally different from sex. As the saying goes, gender is what's between your ears and sex is what's between your legs. I have been wearing men's clothing from head to toe (I'm a boxers guy), I sport a men's hairstyle, wear men's cologne, deodorant, body wash, etc. I've been attempting to use a medicine spoon STP device. For those who don't know, STP just means Stand To Pee. I haven't had much success with it, so I've been looking around for some other ones. I think that I've found one that I'll be purchasing online sometime this week. It's called the GoGirl and it's relatively inexpensive. Once I have it, I'll be sure to post a review here about my experiences with it. I've also made the decision that I would like to do more to "pass" as a male and am looking into packing. Packing is the term used for packing the underwear with a soft packer to create the appearance of a bulge in the pants. Not all transguys pack, so this is an entirely personal decision on my part. There are multiple methods for going about this. Some guys are comfortable using a sock and some will spend the money on a soft packer like the Sailor to get the desired effect. I haven't decided what route I'm going yet. I have time though. No need to rush. Soon, I will be talking with my therapist about starting hormones. Testosterone, or T, will do a great deal for me to help me achieve a more manly physique so that I can pass with greater ease. I'll post about that soon so you're informed and know what types of things to expect. I'm kind of at the cusp where people look at me and try to figure out what I am. "Is that a guy or a girl?" It's funny sometimes to see the confused look on their faces, but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable.
So through this all I've managed to keep my head above water, and my social anxiety has started to slowly peel away. Only things is that now I've been overtaken by general anxiety! So I sit here typing up this damn blog, and all the while I feel like a fish out of water. Gotta look into getting some type of relief for that! Let's face it, I'm a mess. But I'm a sexy, hot mess! Hey, I have to have fun with this. I don't see it as a time of mourning over the loss of the female side of me that never existed other than the body I was born with. I see it as a new lease on life. I'm learning a lot about myself and it's making me incredibly happy. Life dealt me lemons, so I'm making the best of it and making some lemonade. Stop by for a glass!
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