As if my life weren't difficult enough, things get so much more complicated. Whether things will always be this way is still left to be unsaid. After all, no one can see a clear picture of the future. It's going to be a really long journey, being a gay man without a penis. I mean, how is that even going to work? I'm still not sure myself. Oh well, I guess it gives me something to talk about with my therapist.
Things have been a little stale in that area for the past several weeks. They'll at least pick up with talks about my sexuality. I find it almost embarrassing, thinking about talking to a complete stranger (well, almost) about my sexual orientation. I'm not sure she will be able to relate, but I guess she may be able to offer her clinical opinion on how I can identify and deal with my emotions as I learn to accept and overcome the realities of my life.
Right now though, I've reached a plateau in my transition. I've done all I can do for now to appear as male as I can. People who have known me before I started my transition still aren't very accepting of me as a man. Not that they don't accept me for who I am, but they still think of me as a female. They still use female pronouns, even though they have gotten better about calling me Bec. It will take more time, and that's fine. I've learned to accept that, but it's still difficult sometimes when the people I used to talk to and joke around with ignore me and avoid me, finding any way they can to not have to talk to me. It's okay though. They're the ones who are missing out.
Once I start shooting up Testosterone, things will start to happen. Not too much will happen immediately, but over time my body will start changing and I'll be making my way off this stupid plateau. Hopefully I will have my name change by the time I start T. Maybe even sooner...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Family. The tie that binds?
This week, I'm taking a look at family dynamics. Or, at least my family dynamics. I can briefly say that my family is fully dysfunctional and lacks anything that would really bind us to each other. We're pretty much as broken as they come. Sure, there are a few "alliances" among the ranks, but I'm not really part of any of those. Those are primarily between my father, sister, and the younger of my 2 brothers. I have no allegiance with any of the lot.
I don't really fit into any equations when it comes to family. I guess that's because my childhood was very traumatic. When I needed my family's love and support, it was never there. My siblings all left the house when I was very young and I had not seen nor heard from them until I was well into my 20s. Growing up, I was reminded constantly that I was a burden by my mother, who did what she could to raise me all by herself. I saw my father on Sundays, though he was always consumed in his work around the house. We occasionally did stuff together, like fishing or maybe catching a movie, but I spent most of my time parked in front of the telly.
That's been the story of my life thus far. A family full of liars and backstabbers who have nothing nice to say about anyone or anything. Their life is always much more important than anyone else's and they are always right. No matter if you do something good, or things are looking up, they will be there to knock you down and insist that you will fail.
Last week, I called my father to see how he made out with tropical storm Irene. I thought that the conversation was going well, but then he started talking about my brother and then my sister, and before I knew it their life had become the topic of our conversation. Okay, so I try to talk to him about my plans for going back to school and he doesn't have anything encouraging to say. Instead, he tells me that there's no sense in it because everyone is losing their job left and right. At this time I was still considering going into nursing, which there is always a demand for, and I told him that nurses are in high demand. Of course he didn't have much to say, but insisted that he hasn't seen ads looking for nurses and informs me that it's a very hard job. Really? Like I hadn't thought about that? Thanks for the vote of confidence. So he's right in the middle of a sentence when he gets a call on the other line. He then immediately tells me he has another call coming in and tells me he'll talk to me later. I would think that he would want to talk to me since I haven't really spoken to him since Father's Day. I don't know why I bother.
And now my sister pops back into my life and thinks that everything is okay. My family has a fucked up way of thinking. Sorry, but I don't get how people can think that they can just pop back in your life and things will be all smiles and rainbows. I have no interest in investing my time in people who clearly don't deserve it. I'm not being selfish and I'm not holding grudges. I'm living my life the way I need. Because let's face it...I have way too much on my plate that I'm dealing with to turn around and deal with all of their petty crap.
I don't really fit into any equations when it comes to family. I guess that's because my childhood was very traumatic. When I needed my family's love and support, it was never there. My siblings all left the house when I was very young and I had not seen nor heard from them until I was well into my 20s. Growing up, I was reminded constantly that I was a burden by my mother, who did what she could to raise me all by herself. I saw my father on Sundays, though he was always consumed in his work around the house. We occasionally did stuff together, like fishing or maybe catching a movie, but I spent most of my time parked in front of the telly.
That's been the story of my life thus far. A family full of liars and backstabbers who have nothing nice to say about anyone or anything. Their life is always much more important than anyone else's and they are always right. No matter if you do something good, or things are looking up, they will be there to knock you down and insist that you will fail.
Last week, I called my father to see how he made out with tropical storm Irene. I thought that the conversation was going well, but then he started talking about my brother and then my sister, and before I knew it their life had become the topic of our conversation. Okay, so I try to talk to him about my plans for going back to school and he doesn't have anything encouraging to say. Instead, he tells me that there's no sense in it because everyone is losing their job left and right. At this time I was still considering going into nursing, which there is always a demand for, and I told him that nurses are in high demand. Of course he didn't have much to say, but insisted that he hasn't seen ads looking for nurses and informs me that it's a very hard job. Really? Like I hadn't thought about that? Thanks for the vote of confidence. So he's right in the middle of a sentence when he gets a call on the other line. He then immediately tells me he has another call coming in and tells me he'll talk to me later. I would think that he would want to talk to me since I haven't really spoken to him since Father's Day. I don't know why I bother.
And now my sister pops back into my life and thinks that everything is okay. My family has a fucked up way of thinking. Sorry, but I don't get how people can think that they can just pop back in your life and things will be all smiles and rainbows. I have no interest in investing my time in people who clearly don't deserve it. I'm not being selfish and I'm not holding grudges. I'm living my life the way I need. Because let's face it...I have way too much on my plate that I'm dealing with to turn around and deal with all of their petty crap.
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