Although I have a much better chance of becoming a real boy than some wooden puppet. Still, most days I look in the mirror and that's all I can do is wish. Of course dressing the part does make me feel a lot better about myself, but I still know what's underneath the clothing. What's that saying? Oh yeah...clothes make the man. Oh really now. I know a lot of people who would disagree with that statement.
It's just stressful and very difficult to look in the mirror and not see the person you feel you are. My head tells me one thing and my body says something totally different. For so long I've just shut out the voices and went with what my body was saying, trying my best to look the part of a woman. Talk about stressful! I don't think that I've experienced something so difficult on a daily basis. The punishment I would put myself through. My relationships were ones where I was controlled. I was told what to do and how to be. This was because I didn't know who I was myself. I figured that I needed to be told who and what I was because they would know me better, and I would be someone that they would want. And 3 divorces later, I'm just figuring things out for myself and listening to what my head has to say. I'm just being me.
Sadly, I've gained some weight over the past month. Not that I'm obsessing over it, but my jeans are getting a bit snug. I really don't want to be this large and don't want (and can't afford) to buy new clothes. I'd like to save what money I can for after I start Testosterone because I don't know what kind of weight gain I may experience, if any. Not to mention paying for therapy and other doctor appointments is costly. So I guess I should get my ass in gear and actually use my gym membership. After all, I am paying for it. My anxiety has kept me from going without a "buddy" but I'm getting tired of that excuse. It's just a bit awkward working out as a transman. I'd like to work out in a loose tank or something like that, but it's not possible without noticing my binder.
I've also got to start eating better. Even if I don't eat completely healthy, I can at least improve what food I do consume. I have a couple of those Eat This, Not That books and have tried some of the recipes in them. They're actually really good! So, no need to starve myself, even though I can definitely benefit from cutting back on just how much I eat. I'll just put away these cookies and start eating right...tomorrow.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
"So..."
"Who cares?" That's what HR said to my department manager when she told them this past week that I came forward as being trans. It's a complete non-issue. It doesn't even register as something that could be a potential problem or anything. It's not like I had any fears of losing my job because I know that I am a valued employee.
The comment wasn't meant to offend or say that I don't matter, but it still has me feeling a bit lost. Lost in translation. So there's no "policy" to deal with this. To deal with me. So I guess I have to just wing it. I'm lucky though. At least that's how I see it. I get to educate my fellow coworkers about gender variance. I already came out to a few people that I work with and was met with surprisingly positive support. I told my supervisor last week and he was really cool with it, and he even supported me when I met with my manager to tell her. Again...a non-issue.
So, why do I feel like I'm floundering? I feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a door to open, or maybe a glimpse of light showing me the way. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I wish that there was some sort of manual. There are no A, B, Cs to this. Nor are there any 1, 2 3s. I just have to take it as it comes. And for those of you who know me well, you know that it won't be so easy for someone like me who thrives in a structured environment.
So, here's to the future and all that it holds. My support network has grown and I'm so fortunate to have you all in my corner. Thank you for everything you have done so far and all that you have yet to do.
To read more about challenges that transgender people face, visit the Human Rights Campaign site here.
The comment wasn't meant to offend or say that I don't matter, but it still has me feeling a bit lost. Lost in translation. So there's no "policy" to deal with this. To deal with me. So I guess I have to just wing it. I'm lucky though. At least that's how I see it. I get to educate my fellow coworkers about gender variance. I already came out to a few people that I work with and was met with surprisingly positive support. I told my supervisor last week and he was really cool with it, and he even supported me when I met with my manager to tell her. Again...a non-issue.
So, why do I feel like I'm floundering? I feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a door to open, or maybe a glimpse of light showing me the way. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I wish that there was some sort of manual. There are no A, B, Cs to this. Nor are there any 1, 2 3s. I just have to take it as it comes. And for those of you who know me well, you know that it won't be so easy for someone like me who thrives in a structured environment.
So, here's to the future and all that it holds. My support network has grown and I'm so fortunate to have you all in my corner. Thank you for everything you have done so far and all that you have yet to do.
To read more about challenges that transgender people face, visit the Human Rights Campaign site here.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Toys for bois
Last time, I talked briefly about my woes with using a medicine spoon as a urination device. I also spoke a bit about my decision to pack. So, I walked around all week with a sock in my drawers. It's pretty funny when you think about it, but I wanted to get myself used to something being there while I waited for my order to arrive from Tool Shed Toys.
My package came yesterday and I quickly opened the box with the same fervor as a child opening presents on Christmas morning. I was presented with the standard packing peanuts, and nestled within were a flesh-tone soft packer and my GoGirl device. It would be several hours before I would have the opportunity to test it out though. Bummer.
I must say, I am very pleased with the comfort and design of the GoGirl device. I have not had any backflow or sealing problems with it as I have had with the medicine spoon. Though it is a bit on the large side and not something I would step up to a urinal with, it will serve the purpose very well for use in the stall. It also folds up very easily and comes with a little plastic bag for storage when the opportunity to wash isn't at hand. And when you do wash and dry the GoGirl, it has a nifty little tube for extended, private storage. It's made of a medical grade silicone and urine shakes from it very easily. The GoGirl is also good for females to use when camping, or at concerts and festivals when using a public restroom (or squatting in the bushes) is undesirable. For now, I use it at home. I haven't used it yet at work or in public places. I want to make sure that I'm proficient in using a device without incident.
As for the packer, I had to rig up a holster to keep it in place. That was simple enough after having done some research prior to ordering the packer. I came across a site that had instructions for making a Full Monty harness. I already had everything I needed right in my closet from when I used to be an avid wannabe sewer. So with packer in place and pisser in hand, I set out to meet the world...tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to grab some grub and settle in with a nice game of Fallout New Vegas on my 360.
My package came yesterday and I quickly opened the box with the same fervor as a child opening presents on Christmas morning. I was presented with the standard packing peanuts, and nestled within were a flesh-tone soft packer and my GoGirl device. It would be several hours before I would have the opportunity to test it out though. Bummer.
I must say, I am very pleased with the comfort and design of the GoGirl device. I have not had any backflow or sealing problems with it as I have had with the medicine spoon. Though it is a bit on the large side and not something I would step up to a urinal with, it will serve the purpose very well for use in the stall. It also folds up very easily and comes with a little plastic bag for storage when the opportunity to wash isn't at hand. And when you do wash and dry the GoGirl, it has a nifty little tube for extended, private storage. It's made of a medical grade silicone and urine shakes from it very easily. The GoGirl is also good for females to use when camping, or at concerts and festivals when using a public restroom (or squatting in the bushes) is undesirable. For now, I use it at home. I haven't used it yet at work or in public places. I want to make sure that I'm proficient in using a device without incident.
As for the packer, I had to rig up a holster to keep it in place. That was simple enough after having done some research prior to ordering the packer. I came across a site that had instructions for making a Full Monty harness. I already had everything I needed right in my closet from when I used to be an avid wannabe sewer. So with packer in place and pisser in hand, I set out to meet the world...tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to grab some grub and settle in with a nice game of Fallout New Vegas on my 360.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I've been there before...
and now I'm Bec! So that's the gist of this blog. I'm taking my transition from female to male public so that all of my friends and family, both local and abroad, can follow along. It's going to be a long journey but like we all know, journeys are best when accompanied by a friend.
Let's start with a little background info. Born in the mid-70s, I am the youngest of 4 children. My father worked endlessly to support his family and my mom was of the stay-at-home variety. My siblings (2 brothers and a sister) were a lot closer in age, and I was the baby by 8 years. My favorite thing to do when I was little was playing in the dirt with my brothers' hand-me-down Tonka trucks. And when I wasn't doing that, I was chopping off the hair of my dolls, hiding my mom's dog in my toy refrigerator, or eating my sister's bubble gum flavored lip balm.
Have I always known I was a boy trapped inside a girl's body? No. It's not a precise "knowing" but rather a feeling of just not belonging. I've known from the time I was very young that I was different. It just didn't hit home how different I was until several months ago. Since my epiphany, I've been reading everything I can possibly get my hands on that pertains to transgenderism. I've been reading medical books, autobiographies, forums, and watching documentaries, true life stories, etc. My trans-ness has pretty much turned into my everything right now. So to any of my friends out there who feel as though I've been ignoring them, I apologize. I'm not ignoring you at all. I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to digest a lot of very overwhelming information, and make the right choices for myself.
So what have I done and learned so far? Well, I learned that gender is totally different from sex. As the saying goes, gender is what's between your ears and sex is what's between your legs. I have been wearing men's clothing from head to toe (I'm a boxers guy), I sport a men's hairstyle, wear men's cologne, deodorant, body wash, etc. I've been attempting to use a medicine spoon STP device. For those who don't know, STP just means Stand To Pee. I haven't had much success with it, so I've been looking around for some other ones. I think that I've found one that I'll be purchasing online sometime this week. It's called the GoGirl and it's relatively inexpensive. Once I have it, I'll be sure to post a review here about my experiences with it. I've also made the decision that I would like to do more to "pass" as a male and am looking into packing. Packing is the term used for packing the underwear with a soft packer to create the appearance of a bulge in the pants. Not all transguys pack, so this is an entirely personal decision on my part. There are multiple methods for going about this. Some guys are comfortable using a sock and some will spend the money on a soft packer like the Sailor to get the desired effect. I haven't decided what route I'm going yet. I have time though. No need to rush. Soon, I will be talking with my therapist about starting hormones. Testosterone, or T, will do a great deal for me to help me achieve a more manly physique so that I can pass with greater ease. I'll post about that soon so you're informed and know what types of things to expect. I'm kind of at the cusp where people look at me and try to figure out what I am. "Is that a guy or a girl?" It's funny sometimes to see the confused look on their faces, but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable.
So through this all I've managed to keep my head above water, and my social anxiety has started to slowly peel away. Only things is that now I've been overtaken by general anxiety! So I sit here typing up this damn blog, and all the while I feel like a fish out of water. Gotta look into getting some type of relief for that! Let's face it, I'm a mess. But I'm a sexy, hot mess! Hey, I have to have fun with this. I don't see it as a time of mourning over the loss of the female side of me that never existed other than the body I was born with. I see it as a new lease on life. I'm learning a lot about myself and it's making me incredibly happy. Life dealt me lemons, so I'm making the best of it and making some lemonade. Stop by for a glass!
Let's start with a little background info. Born in the mid-70s, I am the youngest of 4 children. My father worked endlessly to support his family and my mom was of the stay-at-home variety. My siblings (2 brothers and a sister) were a lot closer in age, and I was the baby by 8 years. My favorite thing to do when I was little was playing in the dirt with my brothers' hand-me-down Tonka trucks. And when I wasn't doing that, I was chopping off the hair of my dolls, hiding my mom's dog in my toy refrigerator, or eating my sister's bubble gum flavored lip balm.
Have I always known I was a boy trapped inside a girl's body? No. It's not a precise "knowing" but rather a feeling of just not belonging. I've known from the time I was very young that I was different. It just didn't hit home how different I was until several months ago. Since my epiphany, I've been reading everything I can possibly get my hands on that pertains to transgenderism. I've been reading medical books, autobiographies, forums, and watching documentaries, true life stories, etc. My trans-ness has pretty much turned into my everything right now. So to any of my friends out there who feel as though I've been ignoring them, I apologize. I'm not ignoring you at all. I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to digest a lot of very overwhelming information, and make the right choices for myself.
So what have I done and learned so far? Well, I learned that gender is totally different from sex. As the saying goes, gender is what's between your ears and sex is what's between your legs. I have been wearing men's clothing from head to toe (I'm a boxers guy), I sport a men's hairstyle, wear men's cologne, deodorant, body wash, etc. I've been attempting to use a medicine spoon STP device. For those who don't know, STP just means Stand To Pee. I haven't had much success with it, so I've been looking around for some other ones. I think that I've found one that I'll be purchasing online sometime this week. It's called the GoGirl and it's relatively inexpensive. Once I have it, I'll be sure to post a review here about my experiences with it. I've also made the decision that I would like to do more to "pass" as a male and am looking into packing. Packing is the term used for packing the underwear with a soft packer to create the appearance of a bulge in the pants. Not all transguys pack, so this is an entirely personal decision on my part. There are multiple methods for going about this. Some guys are comfortable using a sock and some will spend the money on a soft packer like the Sailor to get the desired effect. I haven't decided what route I'm going yet. I have time though. No need to rush. Soon, I will be talking with my therapist about starting hormones. Testosterone, or T, will do a great deal for me to help me achieve a more manly physique so that I can pass with greater ease. I'll post about that soon so you're informed and know what types of things to expect. I'm kind of at the cusp where people look at me and try to figure out what I am. "Is that a guy or a girl?" It's funny sometimes to see the confused look on their faces, but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable.
So through this all I've managed to keep my head above water, and my social anxiety has started to slowly peel away. Only things is that now I've been overtaken by general anxiety! So I sit here typing up this damn blog, and all the while I feel like a fish out of water. Gotta look into getting some type of relief for that! Let's face it, I'm a mess. But I'm a sexy, hot mess! Hey, I have to have fun with this. I don't see it as a time of mourning over the loss of the female side of me that never existed other than the body I was born with. I see it as a new lease on life. I'm learning a lot about myself and it's making me incredibly happy. Life dealt me lemons, so I'm making the best of it and making some lemonade. Stop by for a glass!
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