Although I have a much better chance of becoming a real boy than some wooden puppet. Still, most days I look in the mirror and that's all I can do is wish. Of course dressing the part does make me feel a lot better about myself, but I still know what's underneath the clothing. What's that saying? Oh yeah...clothes make the man. Oh really now. I know a lot of people who would disagree with that statement.
It's just stressful and very difficult to look in the mirror and not see the person you feel you are. My head tells me one thing and my body says something totally different. For so long I've just shut out the voices and went with what my body was saying, trying my best to look the part of a woman. Talk about stressful! I don't think that I've experienced something so difficult on a daily basis. The punishment I would put myself through. My relationships were ones where I was controlled. I was told what to do and how to be. This was because I didn't know who I was myself. I figured that I needed to be told who and what I was because they would know me better, and I would be someone that they would want. And 3 divorces later, I'm just figuring things out for myself and listening to what my head has to say. I'm just being me.
Sadly, I've gained some weight over the past month. Not that I'm obsessing over it, but my jeans are getting a bit snug. I really don't want to be this large and don't want (and can't afford) to buy new clothes. I'd like to save what money I can for after I start Testosterone because I don't know what kind of weight gain I may experience, if any. Not to mention paying for therapy and other doctor appointments is costly. So I guess I should get my ass in gear and actually use my gym membership. After all, I am paying for it. My anxiety has kept me from going without a "buddy" but I'm getting tired of that excuse. It's just a bit awkward working out as a transman. I'd like to work out in a loose tank or something like that, but it's not possible without noticing my binder.
I've also got to start eating better. Even if I don't eat completely healthy, I can at least improve what food I do consume. I have a couple of those Eat This, Not That books and have tried some of the recipes in them. They're actually really good! So, no need to starve myself, even though I can definitely benefit from cutting back on just how much I eat. I'll just put away these cookies and start eating right...tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment