and now I'm Bec! So that's the gist of this blog. I'm taking my transition from female to male public so that all of my friends and family, both local and abroad, can follow along. It's going to be a long journey but like we all know, journeys are best when accompanied by a friend.
Let's start with a little background info. Born in the mid-70s, I am the youngest of 4 children. My father worked endlessly to support his family and my mom was of the stay-at-home variety. My siblings (2 brothers and a sister) were a lot closer in age, and I was the baby by 8 years. My favorite thing to do when I was little was playing in the dirt with my brothers' hand-me-down Tonka trucks. And when I wasn't doing that, I was chopping off the hair of my dolls, hiding my mom's dog in my toy refrigerator, or eating my sister's bubble gum flavored lip balm.
Have I always known I was a boy trapped inside a girl's body? No. It's not a precise "knowing" but rather a feeling of just not belonging. I've known from the time I was very young that I was different. It just didn't hit home how different I was until several months ago. Since my epiphany, I've been reading everything I can possibly get my hands on that pertains to transgenderism. I've been reading medical books, autobiographies, forums, and watching documentaries, true life stories, etc. My trans-ness has pretty much turned into my everything right now. So to any of my friends out there who feel as though I've been ignoring them, I apologize. I'm not ignoring you at all. I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to digest a lot of very overwhelming information, and make the right choices for myself.
So what have I done and learned so far? Well, I learned that gender is totally different from sex. As the saying goes, gender is what's between your ears and sex is what's between your legs. I have been wearing men's clothing from head to toe (I'm a boxers guy), I sport a men's hairstyle, wear men's cologne, deodorant, body wash, etc. I've been attempting to use a medicine spoon STP device. For those who don't know, STP just means Stand To Pee. I haven't had much success with it, so I've been looking around for some other ones. I think that I've found one that I'll be purchasing online sometime this week. It's called the GoGirl and it's relatively inexpensive. Once I have it, I'll be sure to post a review here about my experiences with it. I've also made the decision that I would like to do more to "pass" as a male and am looking into packing. Packing is the term used for packing the underwear with a soft packer to create the appearance of a bulge in the pants. Not all transguys pack, so this is an entirely personal decision on my part. There are multiple methods for going about this. Some guys are comfortable using a sock and some will spend the money on a soft packer like the Sailor to get the desired effect. I haven't decided what route I'm going yet. I have time though. No need to rush. Soon, I will be talking with my therapist about starting hormones. Testosterone, or T, will do a great deal for me to help me achieve a more manly physique so that I can pass with greater ease. I'll post about that soon so you're informed and know what types of things to expect. I'm kind of at the cusp where people look at me and try to figure out what I am. "Is that a guy or a girl?" It's funny sometimes to see the confused look on their faces, but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable.
So through this all I've managed to keep my head above water, and my social anxiety has started to slowly peel away. Only things is that now I've been overtaken by general anxiety! So I sit here typing up this damn blog, and all the while I feel like a fish out of water. Gotta look into getting some type of relief for that! Let's face it, I'm a mess. But I'm a sexy, hot mess! Hey, I have to have fun with this. I don't see it as a time of mourning over the loss of the female side of me that never existed other than the body I was born with. I see it as a new lease on life. I'm learning a lot about myself and it's making me incredibly happy. Life dealt me lemons, so I'm making the best of it and making some lemonade. Stop by for a glass!
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