Stop the world...

For the past several weeks, I've been in this really nasty rut. The past 2-3 weeks have been probably the most tumultuous weeks I've had in a very long time. Despite the fact that I've had something positive happen in my life by meeting a really great guy, I sit here typing with tears streaming down my face. I'm inexplicably depressed, and my head keeps fucking with my heart, telling it shit to shatter it into a million pieces. I can't focus, have a diminished appetite, and sleep just never seems to come. When I do actually sleep, it's only for a couple of hours and I wake up somewhere in between. And did I mention the constant anxiety? Yeah, there's that too. There's not a second that goes by where I'm not gasping for air, trembling, or in a state of fight-or-flight. I have to drug myself to keep from losing my mind at the thoughts running through my head. It's an endless blur of chaos that keeps going round and round. Inside my head it's like being on a merry-go-round that's speeding out of control, but instead of seeing the faces of concerned passersby, I see all of my failures in life.

Somebody just please stop the world and let me off!

I'm damaged. Ruined. This is a really bad place I'm in right now, and I don't think I'm going to make it out. I don't even know if I want to try to. I don't see the point. Every time I claw and dig my way out of a depression, I end up getting my ass kicked right back down the hole. There's got to be a way.

What happened to life getting better? It hasn't for me. My life just keeps getting worse and worse. The complications keep getting tossed into the heap of shit that is my life. And at the end of the day, no one will care when all is said and done. I've failed at everything I have ever tried in life. I carry so much heartache and pain that I feel so hollow, a shell of a man. I just don't know if I'm going to make it anymore. I don't even know if it's worth it to try over and over again, this vicious cycle of wash, rinse and repeat. I don't even know why I'm writing about this. Perhaps it's my last ditch effort to find some sort of resolve. They say writing can be therapeutic and since I don't have anyone to talk to, I figured this would be the next best thing.

I could go on and on, but I think that I'll just carry on. Walking down this empty road, with an empty heart, and nothing to show for all that I've been through but a handful of scars.

Late Bloomer

So, I'm a little late to the game these days it seems. I'm late at figuring my life out, knowing who I am, knowing what I want to do....just plain late. I wish that I had figured a lot more of this stuff out earlier in life. Oh, I don't know when. Maybe in my teens? Life as an adult, when you aren't afforded the opportunity or support to figure shit out, really sucks. It's hard as hell!

Take college, for example. If you told me when I was a kid that I would be going to college, I would have laughed in your face. It wasn't part of my vocabulary. It wasn't mentioned at home, and I was never encouraged to get good grades for any reason other than to just get good grades. I wasn't a loved child at home, and I wasn't liked in school. School was torture for me, constantly getting picked on because I was the oddball or because I was poor. Nothing about school was pleasant for me. So what would encourage me to get good grades? Nothing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Either way you look at it, I had nothing going for me when I was a kid.

So, here I am now embarking on yet another new journey in my life. College. Sure, I did it before, but I hardly consider ITT-Tech worth mentioning. I'm actually embarrassed by the fact that I was a big enough sucker to buy into that whole scam. And that's what it is. At least in my opinion it is. I know of a few other people who would agree with me on that notion as well. But, that's not what matters right now. What matters is this new road I'm on. The road that I'm hoping will lead me somewhere better than where I'm at now.

I just wish I had done this sooner. There are actually a lot of things I wish I did sooner, but college is the big one. Maybe I'd have figured out sooner about being transgender. Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time being accepted where I work. Hell, I probably wouldn't have ended up there anyway. My life is filled with so many regrets right now. So many things that I wish had happened differently. But, there are no do-overs in life. You don't get second chances. Regardless of what we want to believe, life isn't like it is in the movies. There are no fairy godmothers to help us to the ball. Let's face it....life is ugly and cruel, and it's full of lemons.

What can I do though? I can make the changes I need to set things right. Life doesn't give you a second chance, but there are plenty of opportunities along the way. Opportunities to change your life if you're not happy. Well, I'm definitely not happy with my life and the direction it's going. I hate not even being able to live paycheck to paycheck, living in fear of going to work and being fired because they don't like the fact that I'm transgender, or being harassed while I'm working. I love who I am as a person, but I don't like the fact that I'm stuck in a dead end job where I will never see a promotion. Where I'm unwelcome and scared to even talk to anyone there. I wake up in the morning and I'm a big ball of nerves before I'm even out the door. I'm usually the first technician at work, so I get about an hour of low anxiety before people start piling in and then I'm heading out to my segregated bathroom so I can take a xanax to calm my nerves a bit. This isn't the life I want to live, and there have been plenty of times that I've gotten out of work for the day and it's been such a bad day that I don't even want to live anymore.

I'm not proud of my life anymore. I'm too strong to give up though, and I won't. So don't worry about me offing myself or anything. I just get down sometimes because of the whole shitty workplace situation. Going back to school with an actual goal for myself is really helping me to keep my focus. I have a clearer idea of what I want to do now than I did a year ago, and it's made all the difference in the world. School is keeping me positive, and I look forward to each day with a renewed sense of self. Besides, I know that it will get better for me. I just have to want it bad enough and apply myself fully. So that's what I'm doing these days. I'm diving head first into my education so that I can get out of this hole and have a better life for myself. Myself and my dog. He's my best friend and there are so many days that I wouldn't have gotten through if it hadn't been for him.

So, I may be late to the game, but I'm not sitting on the bench anymore. I'm here to play and I'm going to win!

Future Planning

Today, I really questioned myself and exactly what it is that I want to do with my life. Funny, I'm 35 and I still have no clear idea of what it is that I want to do. I'm passionate about so much but can't quite nail anything down when it comes to my future. One thing for sure is that I don't want to clean mouse shit for the rest of my life!

I really want to be able to give back. I want to help others the way that I've been helped through my life. We're not talking handouts or anything here, but someone to listen and help make decisions. I've always had fairly strong problem solving skills, and I've never had any problems with getting people to open up to me. As a matter of fact, I've been told on numerous occasions that I'm a very easy person to talk to. Most of the time, that's all that people really need in their life. An outside perspective can go a very long way!

Right now, I'm taking a math course during the summer semester at school. Unfortunately, I'm there every night of the week until the end of the month. At least it's not the entire summer, and I'll be able to enjoy a couple months off from school until I begin classes in the fall. Next semester, I'll be taking Psych and Psych statistics. Let's see how I enjoy that before I start making any solid career choices.

On another note, I had my checkup with the endocrinologist the other day. He increased my T dosage, actually talked to me for a while to see how I'm doing and what plans I've made regarding my body, if any. He asked if I planned on having a mastectomy, which I do. I would like to be on T for about a year before I go and do something like that though. I want to give it a chance to work its magic on my body. Not to mention, I would like to have a nice base for the surgeon to work on. I've heard that some surgeons prefer to operate on transmen who have been on T for a while. Others, it doesn't matter either way. I just want to do what's best for my body that will have the most desired outcome. I'm very happy with myself and who I am, regardless of what others think about me and how I look on the outside. I know who I am, and I don't have anything to prove to anyone.

I've got pride, baby!

So, it's June, which means PRIDE!!! I've been decked out in my rainbows and getting out there enjoying the various pride events in the area as much as I can. Granted, it hasn't really been all that easy, what with working 2 jobs and going to class 5 nights a week for 2 hours a night. But, I at least have been getting out there on the weekends with my bff, Jes. If you happen to see us out on the town, you'll see us out having a blast! It's great because a lot of time people ask us if we're together, to which she replies "I'm his hot, lesbian sidekick and he's my homo-chaun." It really is quite hilarious to see some of the confused expressions on their faces. We're just out there having fun! The homo-chaun reference is the best. I'm like a lucky little leprechaun for her when we go out, and since I'm gay, we just mashed it all up together and came up with homo-chaun! Pure genius, really.

I recently moved to Albany and I'm really glad that I did. It got me out of a roommate situation that had definitely soured and put me closer to work, therapy, and other activities that I take part in. I'm using less gas, but it's not like my car was a gas guzzler. Plus, I'm getting out and walking more. The park is a great place to take my wonderful pup, or a lot of times just a walk around town with him is nice. I have a back yard that he can go play in, but it's in serious need of some TLC. My apartment isn't the biggest, or in the best part of town, but it's all mine. Before leaving the old apartment, I sat down with my old roommate and told him exactly why this was the best thing for me and how I felt about how we kind of grew apart as friends. It wasn't really growing apart, but rather he found a girlfriend and couldn't be bothered with anyone else. Nice guy, huh? Not to mention that I thought he was a rude prick for having sex with his girlfriend when he knew I would be leaving for work in a short period of time. I mean seriously...he couldn't wait 1 fucking hour???

Okay, moving on. I've been meeting some really awesome people since I moved, and I hope to continue meeting more. I don't know how many gay transmen there are in the immediate community, but I'm thinking that it's not a lot. I did manage to meet a couple this weekend and really enjoyed talking to them. Great couple of guys! I'm definitely putting myself out there. I'm not looking for anything in particular, other than just to have a good time. Still, it would be nice to make that great, lasting impression on a guy. Some guys (and quite possibly most) can't get beyond the whole guy with no penis thing. As if that's all there is to a guy. Thankfully, those guys are doing a perfect job of weeding themselves out for me. Because let's face it, if they can't accept me for who I am, then they most definitely do not deserve someone as wonderful as I am.

Down the rabbit hole

I've made some great strides, some incredible realizations about myself recently. I've been doing me, so to speak. I've been putting myself out there and making myself vulnerable. We're all so vulnerable, when you think about it. Regardless of the walls we tell ourselves that we've built around our hearts so that we don't get hurt. The walls that no one can penetrate, that protect us. I'd rather feel all that life has to offer, including the sorrow and pain, than to live my life "protected."

I've been going out and making some really incredible friends. We've been hanging out, sharing life experiences, dancing our asses off, and just enjoying life. I feel closer to these people, in the short amount of time we've known each other, than most people I've known for years. Funny how life works, bringing people together when they least expect it. I've been experiencing a lot of positive events, and some that are really making me question what it is that I want in life.

For instance, I applied for a position at the company I work for that's located in Indiana. I did this back in February, and since I hadn't heard anything about the job for months, I just figured that the position was filled or eliminated. This past week, I interviewed for the position over the phone, and I think that it went well. I should know by the end of the week if they want me for the job or not. I'm excited about it, but at the same time I kind of don't want to leave. A lot of it has to do with the new friends that I've made, but a lot more of it is the work I've been doing on myself. I've been getting involved in the LGBTQ community, and I want to do so much more. I always wanted to leave NY, but I think for the wrong reasons. Before, I never had a sense of who I really was and I just wanted to run away from all of the hurt and pain and doubt I had in my life. Now, I may experience some of that same hurt and doubt and pain, but I no longer want to hide from it. I have been facing it head on, and it feels great.

I also am going to be moving out of my current living situation and out into my own apartment. Time to ditch the roommate! So, no more having to listen to him and his girlfriend having sex. No more irresponsibility. No more constant gibberish where he tries to impress me with his vast "knowledge." It's a wonder that I had ever been attracted to him and in a relationship with him. Sure we had some good times, but I think that was more of me just floundering about trying to find myself.


So, now I continue my journey of finding myself and letting go of who I thought I was, and I'm sure I will meet plenty of people along the way. I can only hope that I can teach them what I know and open their eyes to a whole new world. Hopefully I can teach them how to love one another, despite their differences. After all, it's what makes us different that makes the world such a beautiful place to live in.

A bad place to be

I have days where I feel like there's no way that anyone, or anything can bring me down. Then, I have days where I feel like there's nothing that could make me happy. I sometimes feel so absolutely lost, and that there's no hope for me. Lately, I've been feeling worse than I've been in a very long time. This is the worst I've felt since I was trapped in my first marriage to an abusive man who had me so fucked up in the head that I just wanted to die. I wanted to die so badly, or kill him to end my life of hell and misery. After all, there's no way that anyone would want someone as damaged as me. What, me with my fucked up past, with my fucked up parents, my fucked up siblings, and my fucked up mind. Who would want me. Who would ever want to be with someone like me. Who could ever love me.

Lately it just all seems like a waste of time. I guess this is all stemming from this past week, and my body just being the way it is. It just keeps defying me, and I know that I should be more patient with it, but it just isn't coming very easily for me. I feel as though I should be feeling some sort of change, or seeing a change in at least my "period". Nothing. Zip. Zero. If anything, my "period" has gotten a bit worse. It hasn't slowed, shortened, or anything that would make anyone to think that it was going away anytime soon. Bleeding like that has always caused me a great deal of dysphoria. I feel like dying every month. It's taking me longer to bounce back from every time. I can only hope and pray that it all ends sooner rather than later.

This weekend, my roommate's girlfriend came over and spent the weekend. She's cool, and I like her. Most importantly, I'm glad that he's got a girlfriend. It just reminds me of what I'm missing in my life. Someone to hold, kiss, and just feel loved by. But then I start bleeding again, and reality kicks me in the face. And I feel like dying a little bit inside. This time, though, I feel like dying even more. Driving to work tonight, I couldn't help but wonder. Wonder about death, and what I'd leave behind. I couldn't do that to my dog though. He's all I got in this world, and I love him too much to leave him behind.

Busy Boi...Part II

So, as promised, here is the 2nd installment of the Busy Boi post. Sorry for the delay, but I've been pretty busy. This is the good news part, though I always have plenty of bad shit to talk about.

After a 6 month wait, I was able to get in to see the only endocrinologist in the area that deal with trans issues and HRT on Feb. 7th. It was a long time coming and I was very excited about finally getting to that step. I figured there would be a long of questions to answer, some bloodwork, and then an appointment to come back to go over results. You know, a typical doctor's visit. Well, I was right about the questions and stuff, but not the rest. I was called in by the nurse, had my vitals taken and waited for the doctor in the exam room. A med student came in first and introduced himself and asked a bunch of questions. Then he left and came back with the doctor. The doctor came in and talked with me for a little while. I expressed my concern with being on T long term and the effects it would have on my uterus, such as cancer risks and such. He put my mind at ease, but also told me that it would be a good idea to get a hysterectomy anyway. He then handed me a prescription for my testosterone and told me to come back when I get it filled so I could get my first shot. I was pretty much in shock! So soon? I figured I would have to wait a month before I would get my first shot. This is all happening so quickly! Not that I'm complaining, but I just wasn't expecting it.

So, I've been on T for 2 months now. I've already started to notice some changes, like acne, clitoral growth (which I refer to as my dick, or cock), and the sex drive of a teenage boy. It gives me a whole new perspective on teenage boys, and I have a lot of respect for them now. It's not easy walking around with that much testosterone rushing through your body and not want to hump everything in sight. It can be incredibly awkward at times. 

After my trip to the endocrinologist, I went to the country clerk's office and filed the petition for my name change. The following week, I was shocked to see my self-addressed envelope in the mail. I got my name change order back! I wasn't expecting to see that for a good month or so. So, then I had to publish the name change in the newspaper and ended up waiting over 2 weeks to get the affidavit of publication back so I could file that with the county clerk's office. Since I was going to be changing the name on my driver's license, I figure I would have my therapist write me a letter so I could change the gender marker on my license at the same time. So I had to wait for that. Everything is pretty much all filed and set. I just need the money to pay for the new driver's license, updated registration and stuff like that. Not that it costs a whole lot, but I have other obligations that take precedence. So, there's always next week....provided I find the time.

Speaking of time...I've registered for both summer and fall classes at school. I was studying Business Administration, but I don't think that it's going to help me too much with what I really want to do with my life. Even before I came to the realization that I was transgender, I was fairly passionate about human rights. I became even more passionate once I was faced with the denial of basic human rights that I was once entitled to before identifying as a man. Since starting my transition, I have found my voice and become much more assertive. No longer am I shy about how I feel and what I'm thinking. If I don't stand up for myself, then who will? So, I've been looking to get more involved with trans rights and the Pride Agenda. I recently shared my story at a Transgender Rights event down in Hudson, NY at a place called MOD. Everyone enjoyed my story and I felt really good about sharing it. I met a lot of really nice people and my mom was there to support me. It just felt so good to be up there talking to everyone.

I think I finally found what I'm looking for. I want to help others who have found themselves in situations like mine. I want to be their voice.

Busy Boi....Part I

It's been a while since I last posted here, but I've made a promise to myself to correct that. I owe it to myself to get this stuff off my mind so it doesn't build up and tear me apart. So much has been happening with me lately that I might have to break this post up into 2 parts. I think that this post will start with the bad crap, this way you have some good news to look forward to. Deal? Okay then....

Work has been less than pleasurable lately. What with not being able to use the men's room (still!!!!!), and a less than desirable work environment, it has left me stressed out. I've been losing sleep, been cranky, and even my grades have been slipping. It's unlike me to be getting a C in principles of Marketing! I can only tell myself right now that it's just one class. It's just ONE class! It's not the end of the world.

Okay. I know I put a lot of emphasis on the men's room at work, but it really does mean a lot to me. I'm glad to not have to be stuck in the women's room, and that they were accommodating enough to put a locker in the unisex bathroom for me, but it just sucks that I'm being singled out. I'm being excluded from the male population and now the newer people who have no idea about my history as a girl are referring to me as "she" and "her" instead of using male pronouns. So, for all I know they think I'm probably a butch lesbian or something. Not that I have anything against butch lesbians, but I'm not a woman. And the thought of being with a woman just kinda grosses me out.

There's also some weird crap going on at work where everything I do gets reported. I mean, seriously??? So, I kinda blew up at one of the "supervisors" because there's a definite double standard going on. I do something and I get reported. Someone else does the same thing, and even to a greater degree, and nothing happens. I'm just tired of wearing a fucking bulls-eye on my back. I even got reported for dropping the "F-bomb" in a conversation I was having with someone else! People obviously have nothing better to do than spy on my conversations and stalk me to watch my every move. Get a fucking life people.

The love life has been sucking pretty hard too. Just when I think I might have found a guy that I'm compatible with, I get the "Sorry, but I changed my mind. Can we still be friends?" I have plenty of friends. What I want is someone to hold, love, and get all freaky with! Guess I'll just have to hold out a little bit longer on that. Good news is that I've been searching, and reaching out to new people. So far, things are looking up for me in that regard.

Now, I just need to make it through the work week!