So, I'm a little late to the game these days it seems. I'm late at figuring my life out, knowing who I am, knowing what I want to do....just plain late. I wish that I had figured a lot more of this stuff out earlier in life. Oh, I don't know when. Maybe in my teens? Life as an adult, when you aren't afforded the opportunity or support to figure shit out, really sucks. It's hard as hell!
Take college, for example. If you told me when I was a kid that I would be going to college, I would have laughed in your face. It wasn't part of my vocabulary. It wasn't mentioned at home, and I was never encouraged to get good grades for any reason other than to just get good grades. I wasn't a loved child at home, and I wasn't liked in school. School was torture for me, constantly getting picked on because I was the oddball or because I was poor. Nothing about school was pleasant for me. So what would encourage me to get good grades? Nothing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Either way you look at it, I had nothing going for me when I was a kid.
So, here I am now embarking on yet another new journey in my life. College. Sure, I did it before, but I hardly consider ITT-Tech worth mentioning. I'm actually embarrassed by the fact that I was a big enough sucker to buy into that whole scam. And that's what it is. At least in my opinion it is. I know of a few other people who would agree with me on that notion as well. But, that's not what matters right now. What matters is this new road I'm on. The road that I'm hoping will lead me somewhere better than where I'm at now.
I just wish I had done this sooner. There are actually a lot of things I wish I did sooner, but college is the big one. Maybe I'd have figured out sooner about being transgender. Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time being accepted where I work. Hell, I probably wouldn't have ended up there anyway. My life is filled with so many regrets right now. So many things that I wish had happened differently. But, there are no do-overs in life. You don't get second chances. Regardless of what we want to believe, life isn't like it is in the movies. There are no fairy godmothers to help us to the ball. Let's face it....life is ugly and cruel, and it's full of lemons.
What can I do though? I can make the changes I need to set things right. Life doesn't give you a second chance, but there are plenty of opportunities along the way. Opportunities to change your life if you're not happy. Well, I'm definitely not happy with my life and the direction it's going. I hate not even being able to live paycheck to paycheck, living in fear of going to work and being fired because they don't like the fact that I'm transgender, or being harassed while I'm working. I love who I am as a person, but I don't like the fact that I'm stuck in a dead end job where I will never see a promotion. Where I'm unwelcome and scared to even talk to anyone there. I wake up in the morning and I'm a big ball of nerves before I'm even out the door. I'm usually the first technician at work, so I get about an hour of low anxiety before people start piling in and then I'm heading out to my segregated bathroom so I can take a xanax to calm my nerves a bit. This isn't the life I want to live, and there have been plenty of times that I've gotten out of work for the day and it's been such a bad day that I don't even want to live anymore.
I'm not proud of my life anymore. I'm too strong to give up though, and I won't. So don't worry about me offing myself or anything. I just get down sometimes because of the whole shitty workplace situation. Going back to school with an actual goal for myself is really helping me to keep my focus. I have a clearer idea of what I want to do now than I did a year ago, and it's made all the difference in the world. School is keeping me positive, and I look forward to each day with a renewed sense of self. Besides, I know that it will get better for me. I just have to want it bad enough and apply myself fully. So that's what I'm doing these days. I'm diving head first into my education so that I can get out of this hole and have a better life for myself. Myself and my dog. He's my best friend and there are so many days that I wouldn't have gotten through if it hadn't been for him.
So, I may be late to the game, but I'm not sitting on the bench anymore. I'm here to play and I'm going to win!
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