Today was a good day

Well, actually I've been having a few good days lately. That's why I've been holding off on this week's post. Last week was looking pretty grim, so these few good days are justly deserved. I've been stressed out and having really bad anxiety attacks left and right and now things are calming down. So what's all the hype about? Keep reading!

So let's start off with some disappointment from last week. I thought I was getting my T letter last Wednesday when I went to therapy. Right off the bat she told me that it should be ready to sign this Monday and that I don't actually get the letter; it gets mailed to the endocrinologist that the office works closely with. Talk about an instant downer! I felt like I had just stepped in a pile of dog shit. You know the feeling, I'm sure. So okay, I have to wait a few more days. I can handle this (breathe, man, breathe!)...I think. Friday rolls around and I'm approached by the department manager. She informs me that the HR guy wants to have a conference call with me and her on Monday. Okay...double whammy here. Make that a triple whammy since Mondays are super stressful with the whole locker room bit.

So fast forward to Monday. I wake up and pop a xanax to calm me down a bit. It doesn't really help throughout the day as I anxiously await the conference call that I'm not worried about, but am dreading nonetheless. The afternoon rolls around and I send out an email to my therapist asking if she can send me an email letting me know if my T letter gets signed. It's almost 2pm at this time and I pop another xanax. I haven't taken this many in weeks! Yeah, it's a bad day. HR contacts my manager and says he has to postpone until Wednesday. I'm screaming internally and want to just collapse under the stress. Okay, you can handle this man. It's just 2 more days. Not a big deal. And guess what. Still no lockers in the gender neutral bathroom. Good news is that I get an email later that night from my therapist. My T letter has been signed! YES!!! Now do I contact him, or does he contact me?

Tuesday, nothing eventful happens. I guess that's a good thing, but I still haven't made up my mind on that one. Maybe Tuesday didn't happen. That's what I'm thinking anyway.

It's Wednesday now. Dun dun dun. Big day. Well, not really all that big, but probably just as stressful as Monday was. Morning is going well, but I haven't heard any word on what time the conference call is. Anxiety level rises a bit and I try to keep myself occupied by burying myself with work and listening to some Slipknot. Music is good. Higher anxiety tends to make me dehydrated, so I'm drinking tons of water and Gatorade. I'm talking with some coworkers as I grab a bite to eat in the break room and one of them has a fish tank they want to get rid of for free. I inquire about the size, which was 20 gallons, and reply that I was in the market for a 55 gallon tank because I wanted to get a lizard. He says for $50 he'll throw in a baby crested gecko. Talk about an opportunity! I ask about the care and maintenance and it turns out that they are pretty easy to take care of, which is ideal for me. So I said okay. Now I'm super excited about my new pet and run to a friend of mine and tell him. He has one too that he bought from the same guy and he was showing me pictures. At lunchtime I take a trip to his house to see my little gecko, which is about as adorable as anything you could imagine. I know, not very manly of me, but screw it! I also pick up the tank while I'm there so I can get it set up and ready for him (I can't confirm the sex so I'm referring to it as a him) when he comes home. 2:30 is now the confirmed time for the conference call.

2:15pm - I wrap up what I'm working on in preparation for my conference call. I head to the bathroom and what do you know? Lockers! Okay, so now I have a home for my stuff that ISN'T in the women's locker room. Another brick falls from my shoulders. 2:30 is here and I head to the manager's office. She calls the HR guy and no answer. She leaves a message on his voicemail and we wait a few minutes. He calls back and we go through formalities and such. Basically he just wanted to touch base with me so I can be kept up to date on how they are proceeding with the adjustments of my transition. Okay, sounds good. He informs me of the legal research that he and the company's legal team has been doing and that because the company is focused on its employees and their satisfaction, it would be a terrible disservice to not address this in an accommodating manner. They are bringing in someone with a legal background who is familiar with gender transition in the workplace to train the people that I work around and with. I will be excluded from this program as they want to maintain an open dialogue with fellow coworkers without them feeling uncomfortable or worried about offending me. It will be a safe place for them to voice any concerns or provide feedback. There will be 2 meetings lasting approximately 2 hours each. One is for the people that I work with alongside me, my peers; and the other is for the supervisory staff. Then the feedback and concerns will be gathered and addressed and then I will be debriefed about the meeting the following week.

My only concern was with the gender neutral bathroom and the lockers. I was afraid that they would be regarded as a permanent solution. Much to my relief, they are not. I'll only use them for a little while as other people are trained and concerns are addressed. I swear, as soon as he told me that I could feel my chest relax instantly. It was probably the best news I've heard in a long time. Yes, even better than my T letter. I never imagined that going to the bathroom would be such a stressful event. It seems like it's all downhill from here, even though I know that isn't quite the truth. I have a long journey ahead and I'm just so happy to be making such great progress. And without such terrific friends like all of you who are reading this, I don't think I could make it. Thank you!

My sometimes crazy life

I've come a long way since I've started my journey on the path to becoming a man. I've been tackling my brain, my body, anxiety, and the opinions of others. I've been transforming physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've noticed the change in myself and so have others. I feel great about myself!

I received some incredible last week in therapy. I had filled out my psychosocial worksheet a couple weeks ago and we were discussing a few concerns that the director had about the traumatic experiences in my past. No, that's not the good news. Good news is that she asked if I could come in again this week instead of the following week because she should have my letter of recommendation for T! I was so excited! I was smiling from ear to ear on the drive home and for the remainder of the week. I'm still in a great mood, though I did get some weird news at work from HR.

According to HR, I can't legally use the men's locker room because I self-identified as "female" when I first filled out my employment paperwork. He said I could request a change in writing, and I did. In the meantime he said that I can use the gender neutral restroom (which I have been doing for well over a month) or continue to use the women's locker room. He also stated that the department manager is getting a locker for the gender neutral bathroom for my use. I'm having mixed feeling about this. I'm glad they are acknowledging the fact that I do not identify as a woman, but they don't really acknowledge me as a man. I feel like a fence has been built and I've been told to perch on top of it. I feel like I'm an outcast. Like I'm an "it" instead of a he. But, I should look at it as progress. They are doing the best they can since this is the first instance this has happened within the company. I just have to be patient with them. I have to be patient with a lot of people these days.

How ordinary

Well, this past week wasn't all that bad. Work was a bit crazy, but I've been doing well with my anxiety and how I feel about myself. I've made a pledge to myself to get into the gym at least twice a week before work so that I can get into better shape and I've been eating better food. I feel calmer. I feel proud. Proud of who and what I am.

I have realized that I am surrounded by people who are supportive, caring, and understanding. I've had some really great conversations with people this week about my transition. It was comforting to me that they felt they could approach me. Maybe the initial shock is over? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but unfortunately everyone still refers to me using female pronouns. I'm still seen as a "woman" that changed her name and appearance.

I'm still in the women's locker room at work, which is getting to be very frustrating at this point, and I can't wait to switch to the men's locker room. I try to stay out of there as much as I possibly can because there's just so much drama at work sometimes. At this point in time it's a waiting game. I guess there's still a snag with HR and how to "deal with" me. I make it sound like I'm some sort of problem, but I'm sure that I'm not seen that way. It's just my frustration talking. I need to remember that these things take time. I can't exactly expect anyone to understand, unless they've been through transition like this.

Another frustrating point right now is my voice. It gives me away at every turn and I'm eager to start T so I can further my transition and "pass" more as male. Complete with a deeper voice, some body and facial hair (I'm thinking goatee), and everything else that comes with it. Of course I know these changes aren't immediate and may take several years to take place, but it gives me hope in feeling more like the man I am. I know I'm closer to getting my T letter from my therapist and this makes me so incredibly happy. I look forward to each passing day as one day closer to being a man and one day further away from being that woman I miserably tried living as. It's relieving to know I'm getting closer. I feel less burdened and ready to face the days ahead. It's not the destination...it's the journey getting there.

Jeez! Lighten up!

The way I see it, with everything I am going through right now, I don't need to be so serious. Sure, it's a major, life-altering process and I should be serious about the decisions I make, but I don't see the need to be uptight about it. I am always happy to address anyone's questions they might have, and with a sense of humor. I just think that people are afraid to approach me with them. I'm not going to bite anyone's head off! So, lighten up! There's no reason for people to make a HUGE deal out of this and feel uncomfortable around me. I just want to blend in.

On another note. I just managed to tell my mother about this whole thing. She was cool with it. I didn't really think that she would have a problem with it. I just didn't think she would comprehend what I was telling her. The old girl surprised me though! She's more familiar with old school terminology and when I told her that I was going to change my name to a male name, she asked if I was going to have a "sex change" as well. It was kind of funny and a little awkward, but the conversation went well. I gave her a pamphlet written by the Human Rights Campaign that she can read on her own time to get more familiar with what being transgender is all about, and I told her that if there's anything in there that she doesn't understand she can ask me to clarify.

So that's one parent down...2 to go. Though my mother suggested that I don't tell my father (under the assumption that he would be upset about it), I don't see how I can hide it. I can't exactly avoid him for the rest of his life. What's going to happen after I start growing facial hair??? Yeah, I think he's going to suspect something's up then. I don't think that he'll react all that negatively about it, to be truthfully honest. I think that he would just be happy that I felt I could tell him, and that I am not shutting him out of my life. Sure, he's set in his way, old-fashioned, and stubborn (oh boy is he stubborn!), but he's also learned a lot from past mistakes he made with us kids. Now he tends to just butt out and let us live our lives. So, that's what I'm counting on. Besides, my step-mom has a pretty level head on her shoulders and is a lot more open-minded about stuff like this. I'm sure that if he blew up about it, she could talk some sense into him. Or not. Either way, this is my life and if he doesn't like the way that I live it, then I don't need him to be a part of it. He never really played that significant a role in my life as I was growing up. I've learned to get along just fine without him. I just want to do what's right.

I went to my first trans support group the other week. I had been so anxious all this time to go, but I made myself do it. I knew that I needed to be around other people like me. I felt so at ease and even found it easy to participate, which is something that I never thought I would do. Even therapy is going along smoothly. I feel more and more like myself with each passing day. The paxil is helping with my anxiety and when I start feeling a little anxious, I just press play on my theme song (which is cemented in my brain). I have a very odd theme song, but it works for me every single time I need it. Walking On Sunshine by Katrina & The Waves. That's my theme song. I know, it's corny as hell, but every time I start feeling my thoughts getting away from me and the anxiety creeping in, I play this song in my head and I feel at ease and so much happier. This is my song. It's my happy place. Everybody needs to have a place like that.