I have days where I feel like there's no way that anyone, or anything can bring me down. Then, I have days where I feel like there's nothing that could make me happy. I sometimes feel so absolutely lost, and that there's no hope for me. Lately, I've been feeling worse than I've been in a very long time. This is the worst I've felt since I was trapped in my first marriage to an abusive man who had me so fucked up in the head that I just wanted to die. I wanted to die so badly, or kill him to end my life of hell and misery. After all, there's no way that anyone would want someone as damaged as me. What, me with my fucked up past, with my fucked up parents, my fucked up siblings, and my fucked up mind. Who would want me. Who would ever want to be with someone like me. Who could ever love me.
Lately it just all seems like a waste of time. I guess this is all stemming from this past week, and my body just being the way it is. It just keeps defying me, and I know that I should be more patient with it, but it just isn't coming very easily for me. I feel as though I should be feeling some sort of change, or seeing a change in at least my "period". Nothing. Zip. Zero. If anything, my "period" has gotten a bit worse. It hasn't slowed, shortened, or anything that would make anyone to think that it was going away anytime soon. Bleeding like that has always caused me a great deal of dysphoria. I feel like dying every month. It's taking me longer to bounce back from every time. I can only hope and pray that it all ends sooner rather than later.
This weekend, my roommate's girlfriend came over and spent the weekend. She's cool, and I like her. Most importantly, I'm glad that he's got a girlfriend. It just reminds me of what I'm missing in my life. Someone to hold, kiss, and just feel loved by. But then I start bleeding again, and reality kicks me in the face. And I feel like dying a little bit inside. This time, though, I feel like dying even more. Driving to work tonight, I couldn't help but wonder. Wonder about death, and what I'd leave behind. I couldn't do that to my dog though. He's all I got in this world, and I love him too much to leave him behind.
