For the past several weeks, I've been in this really nasty rut. The past 2-3 weeks have been probably the most tumultuous weeks I've had in a very long time. Despite the fact that I've had something positive happen in my life by meeting a really great guy, I sit here typing with tears streaming down my face. I'm inexplicably depressed, and my head keeps fucking with my heart, telling it shit to shatter it into a million pieces. I can't focus, have a diminished appetite, and sleep just never seems to come. When I do actually sleep, it's only for a couple of hours and I wake up somewhere in between. And did I mention the constant anxiety? Yeah, there's that too. There's not a second that goes by where I'm not gasping for air, trembling, or in a state of fight-or-flight. I have to drug myself to keep from losing my mind at the thoughts running through my head. It's an endless blur of chaos that keeps going round and round. Inside my head it's like being on a merry-go-round that's speeding out of control, but instead of seeing the faces of concerned passersby, I see all of my failures in life.
Somebody just please stop the world and let me off!
I'm damaged. Ruined. This is a really bad place I'm in right now, and I don't think I'm going to make it out. I don't even know if I want to try to. I don't see the point. Every time I claw and dig my way out of a depression, I end up getting my ass kicked right back down the hole. There's got to be a way.
What happened to life getting better? It hasn't for me. My life just keeps getting worse and worse. The complications keep getting tossed into the heap of shit that is my life. And at the end of the day, no one will care when all is said and done. I've failed at everything I have ever tried in life. I carry so much heartache and pain that I feel so hollow, a shell of a man. I just don't know if I'm going to make it anymore. I don't even know if it's worth it to try over and over again, this vicious cycle of wash, rinse and repeat. I don't even know why I'm writing about this. Perhaps it's my last ditch effort to find some sort of resolve. They say writing can be therapeutic and since I don't have anyone to talk to, I figured this would be the next best thing.
I could go on and on, but I think that I'll just carry on. Walking down this empty road, with an empty heart, and nothing to show for all that I've been through but a handful of scars.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Late Bloomer
So, I'm a little late to the game these days it seems. I'm late at figuring my life out, knowing who I am, knowing what I want to do....just plain late. I wish that I had figured a lot more of this stuff out earlier in life. Oh, I don't know when. Maybe in my teens? Life as an adult, when you aren't afforded the opportunity or support to figure shit out, really sucks. It's hard as hell!
Take college, for example. If you told me when I was a kid that I would be going to college, I would have laughed in your face. It wasn't part of my vocabulary. It wasn't mentioned at home, and I was never encouraged to get good grades for any reason other than to just get good grades. I wasn't a loved child at home, and I wasn't liked in school. School was torture for me, constantly getting picked on because I was the oddball or because I was poor. Nothing about school was pleasant for me. So what would encourage me to get good grades? Nothing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Either way you look at it, I had nothing going for me when I was a kid.
So, here I am now embarking on yet another new journey in my life. College. Sure, I did it before, but I hardly consider ITT-Tech worth mentioning. I'm actually embarrassed by the fact that I was a big enough sucker to buy into that whole scam. And that's what it is. At least in my opinion it is. I know of a few other people who would agree with me on that notion as well. But, that's not what matters right now. What matters is this new road I'm on. The road that I'm hoping will lead me somewhere better than where I'm at now.
I just wish I had done this sooner. There are actually a lot of things I wish I did sooner, but college is the big one. Maybe I'd have figured out sooner about being transgender. Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time being accepted where I work. Hell, I probably wouldn't have ended up there anyway. My life is filled with so many regrets right now. So many things that I wish had happened differently. But, there are no do-overs in life. You don't get second chances. Regardless of what we want to believe, life isn't like it is in the movies. There are no fairy godmothers to help us to the ball. Let's face it....life is ugly and cruel, and it's full of lemons.
What can I do though? I can make the changes I need to set things right. Life doesn't give you a second chance, but there are plenty of opportunities along the way. Opportunities to change your life if you're not happy. Well, I'm definitely not happy with my life and the direction it's going. I hate not even being able to live paycheck to paycheck, living in fear of going to work and being fired because they don't like the fact that I'm transgender, or being harassed while I'm working. I love who I am as a person, but I don't like the fact that I'm stuck in a dead end job where I will never see a promotion. Where I'm unwelcome and scared to even talk to anyone there. I wake up in the morning and I'm a big ball of nerves before I'm even out the door. I'm usually the first technician at work, so I get about an hour of low anxiety before people start piling in and then I'm heading out to my segregated bathroom so I can take a xanax to calm my nerves a bit. This isn't the life I want to live, and there have been plenty of times that I've gotten out of work for the day and it's been such a bad day that I don't even want to live anymore.
I'm not proud of my life anymore. I'm too strong to give up though, and I won't. So don't worry about me offing myself or anything. I just get down sometimes because of the whole shitty workplace situation. Going back to school with an actual goal for myself is really helping me to keep my focus. I have a clearer idea of what I want to do now than I did a year ago, and it's made all the difference in the world. School is keeping me positive, and I look forward to each day with a renewed sense of self. Besides, I know that it will get better for me. I just have to want it bad enough and apply myself fully. So that's what I'm doing these days. I'm diving head first into my education so that I can get out of this hole and have a better life for myself. Myself and my dog. He's my best friend and there are so many days that I wouldn't have gotten through if it hadn't been for him.
So, I may be late to the game, but I'm not sitting on the bench anymore. I'm here to play and I'm going to win!
Take college, for example. If you told me when I was a kid that I would be going to college, I would have laughed in your face. It wasn't part of my vocabulary. It wasn't mentioned at home, and I was never encouraged to get good grades for any reason other than to just get good grades. I wasn't a loved child at home, and I wasn't liked in school. School was torture for me, constantly getting picked on because I was the oddball or because I was poor. Nothing about school was pleasant for me. So what would encourage me to get good grades? Nothing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Either way you look at it, I had nothing going for me when I was a kid.
So, here I am now embarking on yet another new journey in my life. College. Sure, I did it before, but I hardly consider ITT-Tech worth mentioning. I'm actually embarrassed by the fact that I was a big enough sucker to buy into that whole scam. And that's what it is. At least in my opinion it is. I know of a few other people who would agree with me on that notion as well. But, that's not what matters right now. What matters is this new road I'm on. The road that I'm hoping will lead me somewhere better than where I'm at now.
I just wish I had done this sooner. There are actually a lot of things I wish I did sooner, but college is the big one. Maybe I'd have figured out sooner about being transgender. Maybe I wouldn't have such a hard time being accepted where I work. Hell, I probably wouldn't have ended up there anyway. My life is filled with so many regrets right now. So many things that I wish had happened differently. But, there are no do-overs in life. You don't get second chances. Regardless of what we want to believe, life isn't like it is in the movies. There are no fairy godmothers to help us to the ball. Let's face it....life is ugly and cruel, and it's full of lemons.
What can I do though? I can make the changes I need to set things right. Life doesn't give you a second chance, but there are plenty of opportunities along the way. Opportunities to change your life if you're not happy. Well, I'm definitely not happy with my life and the direction it's going. I hate not even being able to live paycheck to paycheck, living in fear of going to work and being fired because they don't like the fact that I'm transgender, or being harassed while I'm working. I love who I am as a person, but I don't like the fact that I'm stuck in a dead end job where I will never see a promotion. Where I'm unwelcome and scared to even talk to anyone there. I wake up in the morning and I'm a big ball of nerves before I'm even out the door. I'm usually the first technician at work, so I get about an hour of low anxiety before people start piling in and then I'm heading out to my segregated bathroom so I can take a xanax to calm my nerves a bit. This isn't the life I want to live, and there have been plenty of times that I've gotten out of work for the day and it's been such a bad day that I don't even want to live anymore.
I'm not proud of my life anymore. I'm too strong to give up though, and I won't. So don't worry about me offing myself or anything. I just get down sometimes because of the whole shitty workplace situation. Going back to school with an actual goal for myself is really helping me to keep my focus. I have a clearer idea of what I want to do now than I did a year ago, and it's made all the difference in the world. School is keeping me positive, and I look forward to each day with a renewed sense of self. Besides, I know that it will get better for me. I just have to want it bad enough and apply myself fully. So that's what I'm doing these days. I'm diving head first into my education so that I can get out of this hole and have a better life for myself. Myself and my dog. He's my best friend and there are so many days that I wouldn't have gotten through if it hadn't been for him.
So, I may be late to the game, but I'm not sitting on the bench anymore. I'm here to play and I'm going to win!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Future Planning
Today, I really questioned myself and exactly what it is that I want to do with my life. Funny, I'm 35 and I still have no clear idea of what it is that I want to do. I'm passionate about so much but can't quite nail anything down when it comes to my future. One thing for sure is that I don't want to clean mouse shit for the rest of my life!
I really want to be able to give back. I want to help others the way that I've been helped through my life. We're not talking handouts or anything here, but someone to listen and help make decisions. I've always had fairly strong problem solving skills, and I've never had any problems with getting people to open up to me. As a matter of fact, I've been told on numerous occasions that I'm a very easy person to talk to. Most of the time, that's all that people really need in their life. An outside perspective can go a very long way!
Right now, I'm taking a math course during the summer semester at school. Unfortunately, I'm there every night of the week until the end of the month. At least it's not the entire summer, and I'll be able to enjoy a couple months off from school until I begin classes in the fall. Next semester, I'll be taking Psych and Psych statistics. Let's see how I enjoy that before I start making any solid career choices.
On another note, I had my checkup with the endocrinologist the other day. He increased my T dosage, actually talked to me for a while to see how I'm doing and what plans I've made regarding my body, if any. He asked if I planned on having a mastectomy, which I do. I would like to be on T for about a year before I go and do something like that though. I want to give it a chance to work its magic on my body. Not to mention, I would like to have a nice base for the surgeon to work on. I've heard that some surgeons prefer to operate on transmen who have been on T for a while. Others, it doesn't matter either way. I just want to do what's best for my body that will have the most desired outcome. I'm very happy with myself and who I am, regardless of what others think about me and how I look on the outside. I know who I am, and I don't have anything to prove to anyone.
I really want to be able to give back. I want to help others the way that I've been helped through my life. We're not talking handouts or anything here, but someone to listen and help make decisions. I've always had fairly strong problem solving skills, and I've never had any problems with getting people to open up to me. As a matter of fact, I've been told on numerous occasions that I'm a very easy person to talk to. Most of the time, that's all that people really need in their life. An outside perspective can go a very long way!
Right now, I'm taking a math course during the summer semester at school. Unfortunately, I'm there every night of the week until the end of the month. At least it's not the entire summer, and I'll be able to enjoy a couple months off from school until I begin classes in the fall. Next semester, I'll be taking Psych and Psych statistics. Let's see how I enjoy that before I start making any solid career choices.
On another note, I had my checkup with the endocrinologist the other day. He increased my T dosage, actually talked to me for a while to see how I'm doing and what plans I've made regarding my body, if any. He asked if I planned on having a mastectomy, which I do. I would like to be on T for about a year before I go and do something like that though. I want to give it a chance to work its magic on my body. Not to mention, I would like to have a nice base for the surgeon to work on. I've heard that some surgeons prefer to operate on transmen who have been on T for a while. Others, it doesn't matter either way. I just want to do what's best for my body that will have the most desired outcome. I'm very happy with myself and who I am, regardless of what others think about me and how I look on the outside. I know who I am, and I don't have anything to prove to anyone.
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