Life's swift kick in the rubber balls

So, it's been a while since I last posted. Sorry for my absence, but I've been really busy trying to figure shit out. There's been so much going on, the exciting, the not so exciting, the fun, the frustrating, and everything else in between. Great news is that I got my T letter! Oh yeah...but I have to wait until February to get in to see the endocrinologist. The first thing that ran through my mind was "You mean I have to wait 6 months??? That's 6 periods!!! WTF!"

Yeah, my period is a really big sore spot for me. It really takes a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Not that it isn't exhausting physically. It's just my body's way of betraying me. How so? Well, it's that monthly reminder that I still have a girl's body. Nothing like a swift kick in the rubber balls to bring you back to reality. I can see past the boobs and even convince myself that my rubber pecker is real, but the blood...well there's no way to see past that.

Another thing about having to wait for testosterone is that it means that I will have to wait all that much longer for facial and body hair. It's something that I'm really looking forward to. That, and a deeper voice. These things will all come with time on T, so the later I start, the later it will develop. I'm sure that I'll grow body hair. Every male member of my family has it. And it's not the magilla gorilla body hair. I've never seen any apes in my family. They all seem to have a decent amount of chest hair, which I am absolutely giddy about! As a woman, I always enjoyed men with hairy chests. Not the all over body hair, but a nice hairy chest that I could run my fingers through and bury my face in, breathing in their manly smell. It's something I still think about to this very day. I love the smell of a freshly showered man.

Does this mean I'm gay? I really couldn't honestly tell you if I was or not. I'm definitely attracted to men, but that could all change. Sexuality, as I have learned, is as fluid as gender. And besides, I'm so busy working on WHO I am to even worry about WHAT I am, at least as far as sexual preference is concerned. If I am gay, well then I'm going to need a whole hell of a lot of help from my gay friends because I have absolutely no clue when it comes to being gay! Okay, that's the most I've talked openly and publicly about my sexuality since I've started my transition. It's kind of a weight off my chest. Nope, boobs still there. Darn!

So what else is there. Oh yeah, work. Or should it be referred to as my lack of enthusiasm for it. That sounds about right. Not that I don't love what I do, it's just been stressful enough for me making changes in my own personal life, and then they go and mix everything up. I've changed supervisors, workloads, and have had to change the way I have grown accustomed to doing things. It's why I've become so good at what I do. I have worked so hard to find the most efficient way to do my job and now all of that has been flushed down the shitter. I'm incredibly overwhelmed, but doing my best to just hang in there and deal with it because I promised my manager I would. I'm just incredibly unhappy with work right now and several people have taken notice. I'm doing the best I can to keep my cool. I keep telling myself that it's only temporary. It's just that things are changing too fast. I don't mind change, but it's hard to deal with in a structured manner when it's this many things.

Just recently, with all this economical turmoil that this great nation is in, I've thought about making a career change. I've given nursing school some very serious consideration. There's always a demand for nurses, and I believe that I am now in a place where I would greatly benefit from the social interaction. I've actually turned into quite the social butterfly! I've looked around in the area and have been doing some research on different schools in the area and what it all boils down to is that no matter where I go, the soonest I could enroll is next fall. So, that leaves me a year, well actually less than 6 months, to get in my application and get any prerequisite courses done. I think that it would be a very good career move for me. Now the really hard part would be deciding if I go during the day, or at night. If I go during the day, then it would only take 2 years to complete and cost less in the long run. But, it would mean trying to find a night job that would pay me enough to actually support myself. If I go at night, that limits the number of schools I could go to and it would double the length of time it would take for me to complete the program. Not to mention that part-time tuition tends to be more costly. But, I would be able to keep my day job.

So yeah, I guess you could say that I've got a lot on my mind. I'm that little snowman in the snowglobe that everyone keeps shaking. Can we let things settle for a while first?