Jeez! Lighten up!

The way I see it, with everything I am going through right now, I don't need to be so serious. Sure, it's a major, life-altering process and I should be serious about the decisions I make, but I don't see the need to be uptight about it. I am always happy to address anyone's questions they might have, and with a sense of humor. I just think that people are afraid to approach me with them. I'm not going to bite anyone's head off! So, lighten up! There's no reason for people to make a HUGE deal out of this and feel uncomfortable around me. I just want to blend in.

On another note. I just managed to tell my mother about this whole thing. She was cool with it. I didn't really think that she would have a problem with it. I just didn't think she would comprehend what I was telling her. The old girl surprised me though! She's more familiar with old school terminology and when I told her that I was going to change my name to a male name, she asked if I was going to have a "sex change" as well. It was kind of funny and a little awkward, but the conversation went well. I gave her a pamphlet written by the Human Rights Campaign that she can read on her own time to get more familiar with what being transgender is all about, and I told her that if there's anything in there that she doesn't understand she can ask me to clarify.

So that's one parent down...2 to go. Though my mother suggested that I don't tell my father (under the assumption that he would be upset about it), I don't see how I can hide it. I can't exactly avoid him for the rest of his life. What's going to happen after I start growing facial hair??? Yeah, I think he's going to suspect something's up then. I don't think that he'll react all that negatively about it, to be truthfully honest. I think that he would just be happy that I felt I could tell him, and that I am not shutting him out of my life. Sure, he's set in his way, old-fashioned, and stubborn (oh boy is he stubborn!), but he's also learned a lot from past mistakes he made with us kids. Now he tends to just butt out and let us live our lives. So, that's what I'm counting on. Besides, my step-mom has a pretty level head on her shoulders and is a lot more open-minded about stuff like this. I'm sure that if he blew up about it, she could talk some sense into him. Or not. Either way, this is my life and if he doesn't like the way that I live it, then I don't need him to be a part of it. He never really played that significant a role in my life as I was growing up. I've learned to get along just fine without him. I just want to do what's right.

I went to my first trans support group the other week. I had been so anxious all this time to go, but I made myself do it. I knew that I needed to be around other people like me. I felt so at ease and even found it easy to participate, which is something that I never thought I would do. Even therapy is going along smoothly. I feel more and more like myself with each passing day. The paxil is helping with my anxiety and when I start feeling a little anxious, I just press play on my theme song (which is cemented in my brain). I have a very odd theme song, but it works for me every single time I need it. Walking On Sunshine by Katrina & The Waves. That's my theme song. I know, it's corny as hell, but every time I start feeling my thoughts getting away from me and the anxiety creeping in, I play this song in my head and I feel at ease and so much happier. This is my song. It's my happy place. Everybody needs to have a place like that.